At Home, Naturally

Reading and Reflections

2012-02-02T10:58:00.003-05:00

This is a guest post from Webby

I love this picture.

Here we see the power of connection between teacher and student, transcendent of subject, building on a legacy of trust and service.

Elder Johnson, as with his companion, and countless, yet numbered unto God, other Missionaries have profoundly influenced and blessed our family. Through their devoted service, whether scrubbing our basement walls, showing forth the love of God by sharing a story with one of His daughters, or encouraging us to consider and work for the eternal welfare of ourselves and our neighbors; the will of Our Father in Heaven is manifest.

Sweetie Heart, 2 in this picture, is now 9 and has a strong, increasing desire to serve as a Missionary in due time; with such wonderful influences as the many Missionaries we have been privileged to serve and share time with, it is easy to understand – if you haven’t recently had Missionaries to your home to eat a meal and share testimony of the Savior, I implore you to do so, and promise blessings if you will. The other day, Sweetie Heart brought this picture to Mama, which inspired a search resulting in this discovery: last fall, Brother Johnson, now a soldier, still serving in the way he has undoubtedly been directed by the Lord; returned to his beautiful family from a time in Iraq – here is the link to pictures that shared this happy news with us. How grateful we are to see him with such blessings as an eternal companion and children. Without being name specific, we have prayed much for the welfare of him and his family. We are grateful for the abundance granted us, and for those who serve to preserve such as we enjoy – may we all strive to give more freely and more freedom to all.

Next guest post: Service coordination between Vermont and Zimbabwe.

Pictures

2012-01-31T13:01:00.005-05:00

Not much going on...or maybe too much going on to tell you all about it. So for today here are some pictures.

32 weeks

Parenting On Track eBook Review

2011-11-14T13:35:00.003-05:00

I am honored to be ask to give a review of Vicki Hoefle's eBook, Real Parents. Real Progress, (available for download for your Kindle, Nook, ipad or as a pdf) that will launch on November 17th!

First, I was excited to hear that Vicki was writing an eBook! Vicki is incredibly down to earth and honest about parenting. She shares her own struggles and mistakes and is an amazing person and resource. She is down and dirty and very, very honest.

The basic layout of this book is great. It gives a basic overview of each chapter of the Parenting on Track Program, asks you a question and then breaks the page before beginning stories from real life parents using the program on the next page. I love that the question is right there, begging you to look for the answer within yourself without feeling rushed to keep reading. At the same time, you feel compelled to keep reading because you want to hear how other families answered the question.

This book is inspiring. As a mother, a wife, a home manager and (everything else that I am), it can be difficult to balance it all. I am continually looking for inspiration from other mothers and Parenting on Trackers to give me a shift in perspective. I love reading about their successes, aha moments and even failures. It inspires me to tweak what I am doing. It helps me see where I am slipping up. This book puts it all together for me.

This book gives even those who have not taken the Parenting on Track classes encouragement to be better, to do better, to raise thinking kids. However, it is not an inexpensive replacement for the program. There is no replacement for the Parenting on Track Program. If you are looking for a great book of encouragement for parents, check out Vicki Hoefle's new eBook, Real Parents. Real Progress . If you are looking to start your own Parenting on Track journey look at the home program!

Done List

2011-10-21T16:17:00.002-04:00

There is so much to blog about but I am just too tired to think of much. So this is what you get. A few weeks ago a friend said she was throwing out her "To Do List" and was instituting the "Done List." I thought that was a great idea! So I've been writing down all the stuff I've done this week.

Done List for the week

Walked 5.5+ miles
picked up Webby's car from shop and paid bill
7 load of laundry washed, dried and put away
cleaned bathroom, including: shower, tub, sink, toilet, floor
made granola bars
made cookies
attended parent teacher conference
went to grocery store
arranged a babysitter
took Little Man to story time
took 2 naps
attended the Fun Run at the school
dehydrated apples
helped the girls sort and change over too small and winter clothes.

Not too shabby when you look at it that way. That's not mentioning cleaning the kitchen with Sweetie Heart each night and making a few breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Some days I did a lot more than other days but it all balances out.

2011-06-28T13:07:00.005-04:00

The month of June is a big one for us. Webby and Sweetie Heart have birthdays 3 days apart! We had a great time celebrating both of their births. Webby also took Little Man (formally know as Squeak) on his first Fathers and Sons Camp out. They both had a really great time! Little Man was entertaining for all. He really does love being out of doors. He's all about 'side?' and 'go?' He loves it. We've been gardening at a friend's house and he just loves digging in the dirt, as well as throwing it, laying in it, rolling around in it. Dirt is fun! I am becoming more relaxed about being dirty. We went berry picking and Little Man had the best time. When I handed him a berry to eat he rubbed it on his chin first feeling the seeds. I told him to bit it, which he was hesitant to do. But once he tasted it, he was hooked. And there was a whole field FULL of berries for him to pick and eat. He now comes into the kitchen when he is hungry and asks, 'bewwies?"

new photos

2011-06-07T11:58:00.001-04:00

For my dad and everyone else who wants to see how cute my kids are!

Dance

2011-05-12T15:31:00.003-04:00

As a part of PE they did a dance unit. All the kids helped to choreograph the dance. Sweetie Heart is the one in the neon green, which happens to be Sweet Girl's outfit.

New Job

2011-05-11T09:38:00.002-04:00

Pics and stuff

2011-04-19T11:01:00.004-04:00

Marble Jar

2011-04-08T09:15:00.006-04:00

A few weeks ago I watched this video with Vicki Hoefle and Anna Palmer.

We decided to do a Marble Jar. We are focusing on appreciating one another for all the wonderful things that we do everyday. We discussed at family meeting what we wanted to work towards. We decided that we would work towards going out to breakfast as a family. We so seldom do that. For the last 3 weeks we have been working towards getting those marbles (okay they are rocks. It's what I had on hand.) It looks like this weekend we will have earned all out marbles and get to go out!

There has been a bit of training that has had to go along with earning a "clink" (that's the sound the rock makes when it's dropped into the glass. In the beginning and even now I have been doing a bit of pointing out. I would say, "Wow, that was nice of your sister to do that! If you appreciate her you could get a clink." I have been pretty good about appreciating the kids and Webby more. And it has changed so much in our home. Not surprisingly, when you start looking for the positive the mood shifts that way.

It's been great to see the success of our family!

It has been going really well! It really works hand in hand with Privileges and Responsibilities.

Here is our P&R Board. It's kept in the kitchen. I move each tack forward every morning so I remember to do it. I also spend a lot of time in the kitchen, so it's a good place for me to keep track.

In the morning I've been asking the question, "What is your goal? And what do you need to do?"

That seems to be helping each of the children to remember and refocus on their goal.

There have been lots of success and some restarts, but that's all apart of the learning.

The most amazing thing that I have seen is in Sweetie Heart (8). She has been trying to earn the privilege to have a friend spend the night since September. Up to this point, she hasn't been able to get past 4 days in a row. Her mouth and attitude tend to get in the way. She has told me that she has a really hard time controlling her temper. But she blames everyone else when she has to start over.

So Webby and I decided to give her a "Marble Jar" for the privilege of having a friend come over for dinner and a movie on Friday night. We are tracking this on the same sheet and in the same way we do the P&R. The responsibilities are the same, the difference is that she isn't going to loose the "marble" for loosing her temper and she needs to get 15 marbles to earn the privilege. I has been amazing to see how she has stepped up. I think once she saw that she could get past 4 in the marble jar she felt encouraged that she could do it. It carried over to her P&R. She has been able to earn both privileges for this weekend. No one she wanted could spend the night this weekend, so we're planning on next weekend. She is going to a friend's house for dinner tonight and is super excited about it!

Sweet Girl (5) has been working to earn the privilege of going to a friends house and putting her dishing in the dish washer. She is really bad about leaving her dishes on the table and not rinsing her dishes before she puts them in the dishwasher. She needs to clear her place and wash her dishes after each meal for 4 days. She has gone back and forth with the dishes and is really easy going about having to wash her dishes by hand. She also is working on going to play at a friend's house, which she has earned as of today. And we are going to a friend's house for lunch this afternoon!

I know appreciating each other is important. And we've been doing it here and there and at Family Meeting. But I don't think I realized how huge of an impact it would make on my family. We are having more fun, laughing more, helping each other more! It has been great!

I LOVE the Marble Jar. Here are some tips to using a Marble Jar.

Checkout the Marble Jar app here! And become a fan of both the Marble Jar and Parenting on Track on FaceBook and Twitter!

P.O.P.S.

2011-04-01T12:33:00.003-04:00

Recently on FaceBook I have been re-posting articles and blog posts about how praise and rewards don't work and why. I was asked by another parent at our school what I thought about the P.O.P.S. program they have at school this year.

Each year our school has a theme. It's introduced to the parents on the first day of school and then implemented in the school and classrooms all year long. This year it is P.O.P.S. That stands for: Positive, Organized, Polite, and Safe. To get the kids to focus on what they are supposed to be learning, each classroom has a PAW (our school mascot is the Thunder Cat.) It has 50 squares that members of the class fill with smaller paws that the kids earn by doing the right thing. If a teacher or staff member notices a student doing the right thing (helping someone, walking on the correct side of the hall, etc.) they are given a paw to add to their classes paw. Once a classroom paw is filled the kids are given a reward. All of them are good things: reading to a younger class, a picnic, picking the lunch menu for a week. Fun stuff like that.

I don't think this theme is bad at all. I think it is wonderful that the school is focusing on teaching the kids to do these things. They should always be teaching these things to students. These are things that everyone needs to learn to be able to do to be respectful of their selves and others and good members of society. It seems to me that these are just givens. I am far from perfect on implementing these things at home but I am striving to teach my children the same things. And yes, sometimes I do still bribe my kids.

I don't have a great perspective on how it is working at the school. I'm not there as much as I used to be. But what I have observed is things kind of just seem the same as last year. If there is a group of kids in the hall together they are usually talking. When walking in a line they are seldom straight and they often take up the whole hall. Of course, that is only a small part of it, and I don't see all of the other ways they earn those paws.

My thoughts started bouncing as I mulled this over. It makes me wonder, why do they need the paws? Why are the students being 'rewarded' for something they are or at least should be expected to do? How do you decide which kid to reward? What about the students who always do the 'right' thing? You can't just keep giving them paws. They would get a bunch of them every day. So does that mean that the kids who have a problem following the rules are the ones who are getting most of the rewards when they do what they are supposed to? How is that making the other students feel? Then it begs the question, what will happen next year when the rewards are gone. For that matter, how is it going now? We all know the year starts off with a BANG! Everyone is excited. Students are on their best behavior. The students are aware of what they are doing because they know the teachers are looking. And the teachers are looking to 'catch' the students doing good. Was the students' behavior any different than normally would have been at the beginning of the year?

What about now? Are there still as many paws being given out? If not, why? Is it the students behavior worse or are the teachers too busy teaching to notice? Then there's the question of age. Have the younger classes gotten more full classroom paws then older classes? If so, is it because the tweens think it's silly or pointless? Why bother doing what you're supposed to if you think the rewards are dumb or you haven't been noticed for doing the right thing? And then I begin to wonder, if the students who normally do the right thing are actually aren't being noticed are they behaving worse because they aren't being noticed or rewarded for it. I also wonder if behavior is better, worse, or the same this year than in the past.

I wonder a lot don't I!

I don't have any of these answers. I'm sure the school has a big party planned for the end of the year to congratulate the students for all their hard work this year. A big theme wrap-up! And next year the theme will be different. What then?

My child has yet to come home and tell me she's gotten a paw. I don't know if she has or not, she probably has. Honestly, I'm glad she hasn't come home to tell me. She does and acts the way she believes to be correct, not because of the reward, but because she knows it's the right thing to do. She knows the rules and acts accordingly. If she doesn't like a rule she comes home and we talk about it. We talk about why her teacher or school feels the way they do and if it's something she can live with or something she wants to do something about. Then she chooses to follow through with the discussion or not.

For example, a couple of months ago Sweetie Heart (8) came home a bit worked up. Her teacher had told her that she was SH's mom while she was at school and was responsible for having SH do what her mom would have her do. Well, first off, Sweetie Heart was TICKED that her teacher would imply that she was like her mom. As she said, "She is NOT my mom!"

Second, Sweetie Heart was being told by her teacher that I would make her wear her coat out to recess, no matter how warm she felt. Her first mistake was to to say, "If your mom sent you to school in that coat, then she wants you to wear it." (SH decides which coat she's going to wear not me!) SH told her teacher that, in fact, I would not make her wear her coat. That I think she's old enough to make that kind of decision for herself. Her teacher told her to go home and ask me. I told SH that she was right, she knows if she's warm enough, not me. And that she could go back and tell her teacher so. If she needed to, her teacher could call me and we could discuss it. She did so and her teacher said okay, she didn't have to wear her coat if she was warm enough.

So in a nutshell, my opinion is of you want long term change you need to teach and train students/ children/ coworkers etc. what to do and hold them to that standard all day everyday. But if we want short term change that will fizzle and end , then go for the reward system. But that's just my opinion.

And Vicki's
And Amy's

Updated: A friend who works in the school left this comment but I want to put it in this post. I like POPS even better now!

POPS is our school's implementation of a well researched and successful behavior model, it's not a 1 year theme. And I'm a fan, and from what I've seen, it fits well with the personal responsibility you work on with your family. PBIS is in place at VUMS/HS as well, encouraging a pattern of consistent expected behavior from K-graduation. Teachers and staff, not just students are recognized for P.O.P.S. behavior (and I think it's at least as hard if not harder for some teachers than many students.)

You can read more here pbis.org

More Capable

2011-02-18T13:22:00.006-05:00

Sometimes it takes not saying anything to see how capable your children are. Sweet Girl has learn that if she doesn't ask if she can do something, most times she is proving that she is capable of doing . Things like answering the phone when she's 4 (she 5 now). Sweetie Heart I have held back a little more so she still asks permission to do things like get a glass of juice and how much. I am encouraging her a bit more to take on mire of her life and she is stepping up like crazy!

Here is a small glimpse of how each of my kids are capable.

Sweetie Heart (8)

This is the most amazing experience to me. Last Friday Sweetie heart came home from school. She realized that she didn't have a piece of homework she needed. If the packet wasn't done she wasn't going to be able to be a part of the Valentine's party and brownie sundaes.

She started to cry and get upset. I told her I understood how disappointed she must feel and asked her what she wanted to do. It was already 5:30pm and I wasn't willing to walk over to the school with her to see if it was open. She said maybe the school would be open on Saturday. I said maybe, but what if it's not? What do you want to do. She asked to email her teacher. I told her she could do that, but her teacher might not check her work email over weekend. I told her I did have her phone number if she wanted to call her.

She said she wanted to call her teacher. She took her phone, dialed and talked to her teacher, explaining that she didn't have her homework and asked if she could stay in for recess to complete it so she be a part of the Valentine's party. Her teacher asked a few questions: How did you realize you didn't have your homework? Was it when you were getting it out to do it? (totally a leading question, of course Sabine was going to answer yes even if that wasn't the case.) Her teacher told her that she could come in before school to get it done and if she didn't get it done before school she could finish it during snack time.

And that is exactly what she did! She got ready and out the door 20 minutes earlier then she usually does. She was able to finish her packet exactly as the bell was ringing. Many of the other students in the class didn't do the packet, so Sabine was one of few of the students who got to have their brownie sundae. The others had theirs the next day after their packets were done. Even if the students got their packets done during the party they weren't able to get the brownie sundae.

Her teacher ended up asking Sabine if she could tell the story about what she had done to the class, which she did.

We are having a warm spell these last 2 days. Yesterday was about 50 degrees (unusual for February in these parts.) She came home with just her sweatshirt on. Her snow stuff having been stuffed in her book bag. She came up to me and said, "Mrs. D said that I had to wear my coat. She said that if my mom was here she'd make me wear it. I told her that you wouldn't. I told her you would ask me if I was warm enough and that I can make that decision for myself. She told me to go home and ask you." I told her she was exactly right. She can make that decision for herself. This is the reason that she refused to wear her winter coat until it snowed this year. Her teacher would make her wear her coat even if she got hot because, "Your mom made you wear your coat to school, so she wants you to wear it. I am your mom while you are at school so you need to wear it. If she was here she would make you wear your coat." So she got around it by not wearing her winter coat. She wore 2 or 3 sweaters and her fleece lined raincoat instead. Good for her is all I have to say.

Sweet Girl (5)

Like I said she started answering the phone when she was 4. She can do laundry almost all by herself (we have a front loader.) I keep the soap up high so she needs me to get that for her.

Just today she surprised me. Squeak (who will now be known as Little Man) had just woken up from a nap. She said she was going to go in and "play" with him. That usually means that she would go in, make a bunch of noise, make him laugh and play with his toys. Today she came out and said, "SURPRISE!" and out walked little man. I had to ask how she did it. He still sleeps in a crib and the side was all the way up.

I have these Sterilite plastic stackable drawers that I've had since college. I have 3 small ones in Little Man's room. She moved those over to the crib and made stair steps. She then climbed them, turned on the light (pull string from the fixture) and pulled him out, I guess. I didn't see it, but no toddler was injured so I guess it works.

Little Man (17 months)

Just now Little Man was crying for a snack. He is always hungry. He is going to eat me out of house and home when he gets older! YIKES! I digress. I asked him if he wanted popcorn. He went into the kitchen and started pointing to where I keep the bread box, cookies and ...popcorn maker. At first I thought he was asking for a cookie, but then I looked at where he was looking...at the popcorn maker! I asked him to get the popcorn out for me. He opened the lower cabinet and after I moved the pretzels out of the way (they were blocking his view of the popcorn so he couldn't see it) he took out the popcorn and gave it to me.

2011-02-07T12:15:00.006-05:00

As we can see it's been awhile. We've been through a lot here at our house. On Christmas I announced that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, that isn't the case anymore. Just thought you should all know. I deactivated my FaceBook account for a bit. I need to get some distance and perspective. I have been using it as a distraction. So here I am, hopefully back to blogging about all the wonderful things my family does!

In the mean time enjoy these videos and slides.

Profound

2010-11-22T12:18:00.001-05:00

This 20 minute video changed my world!

2010-11-20T12:33:00.002-05:00

I just started leading the music in Primary, which is our church's Sunday school for children. Just in case you think we Mormon's take ourselves too seriously watch this little ditty to help the children learn the names of the world wide leadership of our church.

Random

2010-11-12T13:16:00.005-05:00

Lots has happened. Squeak's ear has healed nicely. Each time I have tried to get a picture he turns his head and smiles at me. He knows the drill, you smile at a camera!

Sweet Girl got glasses this past month. She is extremely far sighted so much so that her eye muscles were always stretched and it was giving her a headache. She is doing pretty well with them and likes them...most of the time.

Sweet Heart has made some huge steps. She has earned the privilege to have friends come over and have sleep overs once a month and to go to her friends' houses. She has worked hard on developing a morning routine so she can get to school on time. I downloaded (for free) and student control journal (it's a PDF at the bottom of the page on the right hand sidebar.) She has set to work on that and seems to be figuring what will work for you. Now she is getting up with an alarm clock! She only needs reminding a little in the morning. She helped me bring the the groceries the other day...without being asked! She is getting along better with Sweet Girl (part of the P&R.) She is managing her time so much better. She is learning to communicate better.

It's all a bunch of baby steps which lead to big steps. I asked her what respect looked like to her. She said hugs and kisses and getting help when she asks for it. I have noticed that respect is offering help and being listened to.

I had both of the girls take the 5 love languages for kids assessment online (also free.) That put some insight into their needs right now. I took it myself about 6 months ago and took it again. Things have changed a bit. More good information.

We got sweetie Heart a cell phone. Yes, I know she's only 8. But when I asked myself, "What would it take for Sweetie Heart to feel more confident in walking and going places alone?" a cell phone was the answer. Also because she walks to school alone and home from school some days it keeps her safe because she can call me.

Here's a conversation we had this week:

SH: Mom, what does hot mean?
M: You know what hot means.
SH: No, I don't.
:::You see where this is going, right?
M: Can you use it in a sentence?
SH: Kat said, so and so actor, is hot.
M:(trying not to laugh) Well, that means someone is handsome.
SH: Ohhh, I get it. I think he's cute, too.

And here's an experience:
I signed Sweetie Heart up for a free martial arts class at the school. She didn't really want to do it, but it is focusing on bullying and since she's already had a bit of that go on a couple of years ago Webby & I feel it is important. Plus, she is beautiful and smart and oft times those kids are the ones targeted.

She went last week and liked it pretty well, but didn't want to go this week. She told me she didn't want to go. I asked why, but she didn't have a reason. So I told her she needed to go. I was at the grocery store when I got a call from her cell phone. It was her teacher saying that Sweetie Heart was crying and didn't want to go. I told her she didn't have to go, but I was at the store so she was going to have to wait for me.

When I arrived at the school I sat down next to her and asked her what was going on. She said she didn't know, she was just tired and didn't want to go. So I was firm and kind, I told her she didn't have to go. If she decided to come home she would need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier. The choice was hers to make. She grumped a bit. She stalled. I told her we needed to go. She mumbled that she would go. I offered to take her down, she took my hand and we went down to the gym (they were still stretching when she went in.) Several friends said, "Yeah, 'Sweetie Heart' is here."

When I went to pick her up she stormed pasted me, arms crossed, giving me a dirty look. We got into the car and drove home. I didn't say anything about it. We just all moved forward. Seems like after a couple of minutes she moved on too. That's when she helped me bring in the groceries.

Enjoy the pictures!

Attitude is Everything

2010-10-19T12:20:00.001-04:00

This is worth the 5 minutes it will take you to watch it!

Attitude is Everything

Just Call Him Vinnie

2010-10-06T19:57:00.007-04:00

We've had our fair share of difficulty here lately. First, 2 weekends ago the kids got sick. All with different things mind you. But they all went down at the same time. From Saturday night to Sunday morning I went from one child to the next, finally getting 2.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep at 4:30am. I was able to take a 2 hour nap late Sunday morning and ended up falling into bed at 7:30pm Sunday night. It was rough. Then we had a couple of relapses the beginning of last week.

I thought all of that was hard but it was nothing!

Yesterday I went through the hardest thing thus far. Yesterday morning all was going pretty well. Sweetie Heart had left for school and I became inspired to get things in order at my house. So I spent a couple of minutes signing up for FLY Lady emails again and put on my apron. Before I got to cleaning my sink I needed to start pita bread. Squeak was crawling around and has been loving climbing up the stool, so I offered it to him. I have very fond memories of Sweetie Heart and I cooking together and I thought it would be fun. So I pulled out the stool, put some flour on the counter and proceeded to get started.

He kept reaching for the sink and him leaning off the side of the stool to get there was making me nervous, so I pushed to stool in front of the double sink, handed him a measuring cup and a spoon and went on my marry way. There was stuff in the other side of the sink but I didn't think he would be able to reach any of it. I stepped out of the room for a minute to help Sweet Girl do something.

I heard the crash of a glass breaking, a thump of Squeak hitting the floor and a scream. I ran back into the kitchen to see his head near a large piece of broken glass. I prayed that he wasn't hurt. I quickly picked him up taking a quick glance to see if he was hurt. I took him out of the room and looked at the side of his face. That's when I noticed his ear lobe was cut open! I quickly put my had over his ear and held him tight. I asked Sweet Girl to hurry and get me a phone and called 911. They were quick to respond and even called Webby to tell him what was going on. The rescue squad took one look at him and said we needed to get to the hospital. I held a clean bandage to his ear and took a ride.

In the ER they nurses and doctors were great. They asked questions and helped. Asked me how I was doing. Since it wasn't critical, they wanted to wait until 1pm to sew him up because they needed to put him under for it so he wouldn't move around. So I held him with my hand on that bandage from somewhere around 10am until 1pm when they took him. My muscles were screaming last night while my heart was breaking for my sweet little boy. It took them 45 minutes to sew him up. His ear was cut from the lobe almost all the way to the top and almost all the way through. The doctor said if it had gone 2mm deeper his ear would have come off! The doctor didn't even count how many stitches, he just said there were lots. There were a bunch inside to sew the cartilage up, which my primary care doctor told me was in 3 pieces, and then the outside. He didn't put a bandage on it because he said Squeak would probably just try to pull it off.

Squeak is doing amazingly well. He was feeling pretty well last night ate dinner, crawled around and stuff. He went to bed at 7:30pm and slept through until 5:30 this morning. He's been his old self today. I was going to try carry him around all day today, but realized pretty early that wasn't going to work. That boy is a mover. I even found him climbing on that blasted stool again!

All in all he did great! He never freaked out (I kind of did.) He cried a bit but not as much as I expected. He was even clapping and trying to climb away while we waited in the ER for surgery.

You know what they say...Chicks dig scars.

What in Blue Blazes!!

2010-09-22T08:21:00.002-04:00

Are you ready for this one?

We have mice. They live in our basement. Now you know this is going to be great story don't you?

I don't like mice much. If they live somewhere else I am fine with them. But they love my kitchen and I don't love them there. So I set traps. My old method of disposal was to grab the spent trap with a bag stuck over my hand, turn inside out and throw away. I got this great hint from my friend Dorothy. Set the trap then put it in a paper lunch sack. That way when the trap has been spent you just close up the end of the bag and toss it out. This works great unless the mouse still has use of most of his legs.

Last night I put a trap bag on the kitchen counter where he left traces of himself last night. This morning when I checked the bag the trap was gone. What?!?! Well, you know what that means don't you. The mouse didn't die and dragged that trap somewhere! I was not looking forward to finding him later. Then I moved my container of tomatoes and saw the trap and mouse. I quickly took care of it. The End.

Okay, that's not what happened. I jumped away and screamed. Seriously, what did I think he was going to do, attack me?? I always jump and scream. This, of course, brought the girls attention the attention to the trap and mouse. They wanted to see. Okaaaay, knock yourselves out. That's when they noticed that it wasn't dead. I had assumed that it had died there, it hadn't. Oh goody!

So I grabbed a plastic bag and prepared/ braced myself. That's when the chaos ensued. The girls had seen the mouse and it was soooo cute. So now I'm about to kill a poor, defenseless, cute little animal. It doesn't help we were talking about having a pet this morning at breakfast. Correction, they were talking about having a pet. I was talking about how much they cost and that, no we weren't getting on any time soon. Only the mouses leg had gotten trapped so he was able to use his other 3 to drag the trap across the counter.

I look at Sweetie Heart. She is standing there stiffly, looking at me, a little red in the face. I know that look, that is anger, full blown about to burst. She asks me to let it go. That would require me to get near it, not a chance! She offers to do it, but I don't feel like I can do that either because what if it bits her, who knows what kind of diseases it is carrying. The plague was carried my mice you know. Okay, that's a bit over blown, but still. Plus it will probably die anyway, and if it didn't then it will just come back into my house. No, thanks. To her credit she did stay composed. She offered other solutions. I wish I could have said yes to one of them.

I hear Sweet Girls reaction before I see which is a full blown temper tantrum and begging fest asking if we can please keep it because it's soooo cute. There is a red face, tears, but most of all the eardrum piercing screams.

I walk into the other room. Sweetie Heart is still standing there and calls to me that the mouse has run back into the bag! Miracle of miracles. I ask her to tip the bag up so he can run out. I grab the stapler and staple the bag shut before anything else can happen and take the mouse out of the house.

The antics continue. I go upstairs and phone Webby to see if he has any suggestions. They follow continuing their behavior. He chuckles. Honestly, I would too if someone else were telling me this story. He talked to them a bit. He explains things to both of them separately. Sweetie Heart does her best to explain to him why he is wrong and giving her solutions. Sweet Girl actually seems to get it. Huh.

So that is the end of the story. Did you laugh. I think I will now.

Off to set another trap.

2010-09-16T14:11:00.001-04:00

Capable

2010-09-14T12:58:00.004-04:00

Have I ever told you how capable my kids are? No? Well, they are just look at this!

I think the greatest thing is Sweetie Heart figured out how to hang her own clothes on the line.

Sweet Girl usually asks to do the laundry on her own. She even helps me! If I was sure she would use too much detergent I would just let her do it all on her own. I have total confidence that she will be doing laundry all by herself in the next 2 years. That will make her 7! Score! Yet another reason I love my front loader!

After I took the video and pictures both the girls asked if I took them to show to Vicki. They know me so well!

movies

2010-09-14T10:05:00.003-04:00

Since it worked here are some more!

Little Ditty

2010-09-13T20:19:00.003-04:00

This is a song Sweetie Heart made up and she and Sweet Girl preformed the other night. Sweetie Heart has an amazing talent! And see how well they get along when they aren't fighting!

If this upload works expect more videos soon!

Bad and Better

2010-08-13T15:19:00.003-04:00

Last week was bad. It was oh so bad I ended each day completely spent, physically and emotionally. I don't know what is was, but it started first thing Monday morning (after the daddy daughter vacation). I listened to momTV and got a little advice from Vicki. This week has been remarkably better.

Actually, I would say amazingly better. I am beginning to notice things about my kids. Good things!

Sweet Girl (5)can start the dishwasher all by herself
Sweetie Heart (8) takes more pride in her work/ contribution when someone notices it has been done
Sweet Girl is quick to recover from most things and will apologize if needed
Sweetie Heart is willing to help when she is asked
Both girls want attention from me and when I take the time to sit and read or play a game they get along better and play well with each other
Redirecting and distracting them from negative behavior lightens the mood and helps everyone to move on
They can both pack their own suitcases for a trip
Sweet Girl can wrap a present all by herself, including cutting the correct sized piece of gift wrap without mutilating the whole role

I also noticed:

Sweetie Heart begins to attack others when she feels she is being attacked (verbally or physically), feels not listened or feels that things are not fair.
Sweet Girl screams to get her way or to get her sister in trouble

I'll tell you a little story.

There once was a little girl who had an big brother. That big brother was 3 years older then her and didn't seem very keen on having a little sister. When she was learning to sit up the big brother would walk by and bump her so she would topple over. Poor, poor little girl. :(

Mother told big brother that he better be nice to the little sister or she would get even. Time passed, little sister got older. When big brother would do something to little sister she would scream. When she would scream big brother would get in trouble. Sometimes big brother maintained that he didn't do anything.

One day little sister (who wasn't so little anymore) was sitting on the landing in her house. She didn't know where big brother was. She screamed. Mother and father (who were downstairs) yelled for big brother to leave her alone. Big brother was walked in from the next room and said, "I didn't do anything!" Mother and father looked at big brother, standing next to them. Then they looked at little sister sitting on the landing. The gig was up! But it was fun while it lasted.

Did you like that story? I just made it up. Not really, little sister was me and big brother was...well my big brother.

This week I've taken some time to observe my kids.

Squeak has begun to cry when I put him to bed or put him down so I can do other things. Sweetie Heart, in an effort to help, runs to him and picks him up and frets over him. She doesn't want him to cry.

I noticed this week that Sweet Girl is instigating her big sister. She was lying on my bed next to me one morning. Everything was peachy. Then her sister comes in and lays across the end of the bed. All of a sudden Sweet Girl needed her feet to be right where Sweetie Heart's head was. She started to whine and scream and then they got physical with each other. Honestly, I didn't interfere. If they are going to start stuff like that they are going to have to finish it.

I am noticing that she does this a lot. She starts stuff when I'm not around. When Sweetie Heart reacts she whines or screams. If I don't respond she comes to me and tells me what happened omitting her part in it. Vicki recommended that I question her motives. So the last time I asked her what she was going to do about it. She said she didn't know. I told her that I thought she was leaving parts out and that it sounded to me that she was just trying to get her sister in trouble. She ended up just walking away and finding something else to do away from her sister. Brilliant!

With Sweetie Heart if I ignore the negative behavior she tends to move on quicker. Vicki told me to "spit in her soup." That is to say, when she says something she knows isn't true (mama doesn't love me) to agree with her. This week something happened, I can't remember what and Sweetie Heart said, "I know mama doesn't love me!" (grump, grump). In a kind voice i said, "I am so glad you finally figured it out. You are right. It is such a relief that I don't have to pretend anymore." I want to reiterate that I was not mean about it. I said it with relief in my voice, very kindly. And do you know what happened? Nothing. She didn't say it again and hasn't since Tuesday. She knows it isn't true and I've told and shown her lots of times since then that I do love her.

In case anyone is worried, I do step in when I need to. I am not taking a backseat in parenting. I am just choosing when to get involved. I am still involved too much, but I'm doing my best to act and react smarter. I'm just going to admit it right now. My kids are smarter than me.

The End

Back at It

2010-08-02T12:29:00.002-04:00

Webby and Sweetie Heart returned home last night at 9. She got to bed around 10. It sounds like they had a ton of fun, lots of late nights and laughs. All great things. She said she missed me though. Funny that's what she says about when she's in school, too. I think I need to dig a little deeper.

Everyone was up by 7am. The fighting commenced at 9. It's been on and off since then and it's only 12:30. I have no idea how it started. Maybe me mentioning that she needed to take a shower because of the salt water in her hair. And she needed to wash her hair. All I remember is she started by telling me she was NOT going to take a shower. I didn't respond. Que picking in Sweet Girl to get my attention. She yells at me that I hate her, and that I don't listen. Blah, blah blah. You know how it goes.

So I took Vicki advice and picked her up to connect with her. Took her downstairs and put her in my lap and hugged her. Talked to her about how she was feeling. How it must be hard to come home from vacation. She said she wished she and I could go back, just us. Wished she had her own room. Wished she could sleep on the inside porch. Wished we could build a house. I wished all the stuff with her, too. Then I asked her what kind of house she would like. She told me a little and then wanted to draw me a picture. So we moved on. Great!

Until she started picking...again. I just get so tired of it. Finally she got in the shower. I decided it would be good to ask her about what she feels her place is in the family. We talked about who she was in the family (daughter, sister, artist, singer, cooker, good with babies, has more responsibilities.) How she feels in the family (angry, frustrated, a little aggressive.)

I dug a little deeper. I grabbed a notebook and while she was showering I asked her some questions and wrote down the answers.

When she's angry she gets aggressive to punish because she feels like that person deserves it. Angry when Sweet Girl bosses her because Sweetie Heart is older. Feels like Sweet Girl gets away with stuff and she only does sometimes. Sweet Girl gets away with things because she doesn't tell the whole story and omits when she did to instigate it or retaliate. Sweetie Heart doesn't bother telling me what happened because I'll just tell her to put it on the problem board.

She gets frustrated when Sweet Girl doesn't let her in their room to get something when (I love this part) she was probably would have left. IE she doesn't leave to punish her. So there is unfairness. And gets frustrated when Sweet Girl tells her she's not nice, etc. (Acts older)

One thing she said was, " Because she made me mad I feel like she deserves something." Then she asked me, "Do you ever feel that way?" When I answered in the affirmative she said, "Good that means you understand and I'm very glad." She really needs understood.

I asked her about the Problem Board we use to problem solve for Family Meeting. She doesn't like it. When I tell her to put it on the board she usually doesn't because in her words, "It doesn't work!" We will agree on solutions but when there is a problem they won't do what we all agreed to do. I even look stuff up our Problem Solving book when there is a problem.

Here's what she says about it. It's like solving problems on her own because the parents give silly answers that we know won;t be chosen so it's like she is solving the problems by herself. She doesn't feel like her answers are that great. She doesn't know what to do, that's why it's on the board. And she wants it to be like homework. When she has a problem and asks she gets help, but when there's a problem at home or with her sister she doesn't get help solving it. And on a personal note Sweet Girl will only vote yes for her own solutions.

Lots if good information to process. They are now playing (mostly) quietly upstairs. If only I could get the fire out of my belly and relax from this morning's fights.

Enlightenment

2010-07-31T19:24:00.003-04:00

The last few days have been very enlightening for me. Webby and Sweetie Heart went on a little daddy daughter vacation. Webby and I decided that this would be a great way to connect with our children during important times in their lives. We have decided that when our children turn 8, that being the year they get baptized in our church, they will go on a vacation with the opposite sex parent. Then when they turn 16, they will go on a vacation with the same sex parent. We'd like to do it at 12 as well, but we'll have to see how finances are in 4 years. These vacations are for our children not for us. But lacking scope Webby decided to make a few suggestions and they have been in Boston since Wednesday. I spoke with Sweetie Heart briefly and she said she is having a blast!

Anyway, while they have been away I have been here with the remaining 2 children. And you know what it has been great! We have had a pretty good time ourselves. We are just doing what we normally do with a few perks. I seem to have time warped back in to the mother I was 4+ years ago. Sweetie Heart and I did lots of fun things when she was little. Even when Sweet Girl came along and was little we were still getting out and I felt pretty peaceful, on the whole, of who I was as a parent. No things were not perfect, but they were pretty good. Anyone who knows me also knows shortly after Sweet Girl was born we ended up in family therapy for problem we were having with Sweetie Heart. No, I am not glossing over or forgetting that. But I felt I was holding it together easier on the most part at that time.

What I have noticed about myself is this. When there isn't fighting in the home, I am peaceful. When I don't have to worry about children hitting each other, I not on edge waiting for it. When there isn't sibling contention, there is less screaming and whining. And all these things make it so I want to get out and do things. I want to involve the children in doing stuff with me. I am willing to help (most of the time) when it is requested. Funny how that works.

I am actively working to be more peaceful. I am working on reconnecting with my inner child. If I can re-experience my childhood with my kids we will all be so much happier! I am reading a book called Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. This was text for a class I took in college. If I had actually done the work while in college I would be a different person now. As it is, I am doing it now. One thing he points out is that all children go through these stage of spark, they need to do them. One of those things is getting messy.

I hate being messy. Dirt, grime, stickiness, mud...it's enough to get me to send you to the sink. And you best not get it on my or your clothes. But yesterday afternoon was different. I sat in the grass with the kids. Sweet Girl wanted to play in a pot that had dirt in it. Then she decided she needed water. I admit I tried to sway her, but she persisted and I let her. We stirred it up with little shovels. Added more water...rewind repeat. Squeak saw us and crawled over to be a part of the action. Sweet Girl got all squeally, "No, no! Don't put your hands in there!" I told her it was fine, maybe we all should do it. Squeak was up to is elbows splashing mud all over himself and me. It wasn't until I put my hands in that Sweet Girl did, too. It appears she has picked up on my disdain for yuckiness and has been holding back. We all had a great time in the mud! We rinsed off with the watering can. We came in and I put them in the bath to clean up. More fun splashing about and eating the bubbles (I used to do that!)

So here's to me doing my best to let my children be.

Leavings and Epiphanies

2010-07-30T19:56:00.002-04:00

Like my new picture? It was taken during DNSN week. This would be what Sweet Girl left at the table after breakfast, snack and lunch. I broke and made her clear it off before dinner. When she saw the picture in iphoto the other night she said, "Huh? Why did you take that picture? Are you going to show it to Vicki?" That girl knows me so well.

These leavings are pretty typical at our house. Most eating is done in the kitchen. I don't like food all over the house. It makes a mess and makes me crazy. Plus we have mice in the basement. I don't think they'd mind going all over the house looking for food and it send shivers up my spin just thinking about it. Both of the girls are capable of clearing there own places and loading the dishwasher. More often then not they don't. Of course, I do remind them so they don't have to remember. But when I leave it and another meal comes around they tend to just move the old bowls off their space (ie, into my and Webby's space) to make room for new dishes. When that doesn't fly, Sweetie Heart grumps but clears, Sweet Girls whines and says it's "too hard and there is too much stuff." I'd have to agree. But she does end up doing it.

On to my epiphany. I spelled that correctly without the help of spell check! (thank you very much!) We went to spend the evening with some friends of ours. All of their children are grown, the youngest is 21 and is the only one living at home. She and I were talking about parenting. One of the things she said to me was that her parents were always yelling. When she was little she went to see Mary Poppins in the theatre. When she left she decided that she wanted to be like Mary Poppins when she was a mom. Huh. It dawned on me, that I too, want to be like Mary Poppins. Think about that for a minute. Maybe you should watch it again and see what I mean.

Another epiphany. They has a friend's two small children staying with them for the weekend. She said she just loved it when people brought their small children over for them to watch. She just loves the little ones so much. She always spoke the the children respectfully, even when they were going against the rules. She would just remind them of the rule and guide them to have it done. Then she commented that when she raised her voice just a little the children always responded to her. They took her seriously. She wasn't sure why that was because they didn't with there own parents. To which I responded that it was probably because she didn't raise her voice very often, so when she did they paid attention and knew it was important.

DUH! No wonder my kids blow me off when I raise my voice. I raise my voice quite often. I nag and remind all the time. So when it's important they just think it's just the same old, same old. They don't realize it's important. My friends, that is dangerous. Whether I'm telling them to hurry up or don't go in the street because a car is coming, it sounds the same.

Much to think about!

Observing Others

2010-07-22T09:43:00.003-04:00

The other night I was taking a walk with Sweetie Heart. As we walked up to town another family crosses our path. This family consisted of a mother (looking a bit haggard), father, older brother (maybe 4) and little sister (2 or 3). They crossed the street with the parents holding the children's hands. When they were back on the sidewalk the little girl said to her mother, "Can I have my hand? Can I have my hand?" To Which her mother responded briskly, "No, because I don't trust you."

Now don't get me wrong, I have so been there. Long days, fatigue, just wanting to have a good time with my family but...sometimes the kids don't cooperate. Sometimes going out thakes more effort than staying in. But they were together. But what I thought was, what is the message this mother is sending to her daughter at such a young age. Will she grow into this expectation, this belief that her mother just gave her.

It made me pause and think. I know I have said the exact same things. Since PonT though I think I'm doing better. I took the time to think about how I can say things. How can I say thing in a encouraging way? So instead I could say, "I would love to give you your had. However, I am concerned for your safety on these busy streets. When you can show me that you can stay close when we are near traffic then you can have your hand." or "Yes, as soon as we are at (a particular destination) or you can show me you will stay close." I'm not sure yet, but I'm reframing here.

I need to look closer at the message I am sending to my children by my words and actions.

Here's the thing that has always confused me. The things that my kids do that push my buttons are the same things I did when I was a kids. My siblings and I fought like cats and dogs. We yelled and screamed at each other. I threw terrible tantrums. We manipulated each other. I whined and pouted. I didn't do my chores or put them off to as late as possible. The list goes on.
I was talking to Webby about it and he made an interesting observation. He said maybe the reason they bug me so much is because I am feeling guilt over the fact that I did them, too. Now that I am older I can see how much they probably bothered my parents, brother, sister and I feel bad about that. Puts things on a new level.

The question is, when I forgive myself for doing those things will the guilt go away and thereby the button go away as well. Once I look at it and say, I was a kids. Kids act that way sometimes and I was just doing what worked for me. Will I be able to ignore the button or reframe it. And does it seems reasonable that when I stop reacting to those things they will disappear from my house. Does that sound right or just crazy?

More posts to come.

Day 6

2010-07-17T21:23:00.002-04:00

Can't think of a witter title. Today has over all has been good. However...

There have been a few things that pushed me a bit too far. First off Sweetie Heart tried to pants me, well technically it was skirt me. Thankfully we were at home. She thought it was oh so funny, Me? Not so much. Second and probably third and so on, I went to have some lunch. When I went to the kitchen the table was covered with their breakfast/ snack remnants. So I piled them all up on their places. They didn't like that much. Sweetie Heart says, "These are my scissors. They are yours."

me:Yes, but you used them last.
SH: No, I didn't
me:yes you did to open the berry package.
SH:no I didn't Sweet Girls did
me: no she didn't I say you use them
SH: no I didn't

It goes on. Yes, I entangled with her. I stopped and closed my eyes to ask a blessing on my lunch. While my eyes were closed she put the scissors close to my ear and opened and shut the quickly a couple of times. I snatched them out of her hand and threw them across the room. (Yes, I know.) "You broke them!" she said. I was fuming. As calmly as possible I ask her if she could think of a reason why I wouldn't like that. No. I got up and went out to the porch to eat my lunch. She closed the door behind and and locked it. She's been doing this for a few months trying to get my goat. I just pretend I don't notice and wait for her to get bored and open the door. Today was no different.

This girl is screaming for attention! Any kind will do.

This evening we noticed some bruises on Sweet Girl's arm. Webby look quizzically, and it dawned on me, Sweet Heart has been pinching Sweet Girl when she gets mad at her. I hate this. It really stinks. I just read the blog post Vicki recommended. Boy does it hit me right in the gut!

This evening I asked how her contribution was going.

sh: It's not.
me: why not?
SH: I've been busy with stuff.
Webby: Like what?
SH: Art camp, playing, reading.... It's boring.
Webby: We can help you to be less busy.
me: What would happen if I was too busy to make dinner?
SH: I'd make some.

Not doing laundry did finally catch up with her tonight. She needed to shower but didn't have any clean underwear to change into. So she came down to ask if I had any. It's not my contribution I reminded her. So she decided she wasn't going to shower because "what's the use if she was going to have to put on dirty underwear!" Okay. Rinse and repeat. Finally, she asked how long it would take to was and dry a load of laundry. So here she sit and almost 10pm waiting for her underwear to get done drying so she can go to bed. She's tired, she knows she is. But don't worry she's got a good book to keep her company. Webby and I are headed to bed. It will be interesting to see what she does being up alone.

Maybe I'll try that.

At dinner time there was an even bigger mess at the table. I moved everything to the girls places and set the table for Webby and myself. Sweet Girl came in and started whining. About how much stuff was on her place. "It's too hard." She whined. This is her new catch phrase. She uses it whenever a task looks big or she doesn't want to do it. I told it she just needed to move on thing at a time. (directing, I know) She did it and set her place. She didn't want to eat dinner and asked to be excused, she said she was tired and went upstairs to play. Later she showed up dressed to ride her bike, she wasn't tired after all.

Lots of good stuff too, I just can't think right now.

Observations

2010-07-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

This morning Sweetie Heart said to me, "I love do nothing. say nothing week because you don't nag me and your not bossy." Well, there you have it. I know the kids love the freedom to do or not do.

Yesterday, we pretty good. Sweetie Heart got to art camp on time. We went to the library for lunch. On the way home I asked them what they wanted to do. "GO TO THE POOL!" So I asked if they could be ready in 20 minutes. You bet! They were ready before I was. They came in and changed into their swim suits in the living room, leaving their clothes scattered. The couch was filled with board games Sweet Girl got out but didn't play or put away. There was still breakfast dishes on the table. But off we went and we had a great time staying cool in the pool.

When we got home I fixed dinner. The menu hasn't gotten done yet. Sweet Girl talks about it, seems all she wants is buttery noodles, pasta and soup. The first couple of days this week I asked her what we were having and then fixed it at the last minute. I decided this was too much interfering so I was just going to make what I wanted if she didn't tell me ahead of time. So last night I made beans, collard greens and rice with kale chips. They loved the rice ans kale chips, not so much the beans and greens. Webby had them eat some. When Sweet Girl didn't finish her rice they had a bit of a stand off that ended with her dropping her bowl and breaking it.

Webby mentioned he was going to put her to bed early because he didn't want to deal with her. I so get this. I even do this sometimes when he's not home. I asked not to make it feel like a punishment. I needed to go to an activity with the young women that I go to church with so I left. Upon my return I asked how things went. He said they all played games until it was time for bed. And then they put themselves to bed.

I think a big trigger for Webby and I is waste. We have a tight food budget, so when we see the kids waste so much food it drives us crazy. When we see them eat a half of a loaf of bread and a stick of butter in a day, it drives us crazy. When we see them take a bunch of food and then not finish it, well you get the point. We rent right now and have a very small yard, so we don't compost. It all just goes in the garbage. The other thing is responsibility for their stuff. They just get done and seem to drop stuff where ever. We have a small place so when this happens it effects everyone.

The other night their room was trashed. I was just happy it was in their room and no the living room. In the past we have made them pick up their room every day. I let it go and didn't say anything. Webby came home and saw it and asked me if this was really acceptable to them. I said apparently. So he shut the door and didn't say another word about it! Yea, Webby! He's doing DNSN in his own way. The girls know that we will not go in and tuck them in at night if the floor is messy. At bed time Sweetie Heart came to me and said, "Sweet Girl's stuff is all over the floor and I can barely get to the ladder to get to my bed!" :( I asked her what she could do and she walked off. When I went in to check on them before I went to bed the floor was clean! Now it might be under the bed or in the closet but it was clean enough for me not to trip when giving them a kiss.

Another observation I made this week is that Sweet Girl always wants me to help her. She do stuff by herself and sometimes she does, but often she asks for help. When she needs help with stuff she only wants me to help her. Not Webby or her sister, only me even if I am unavailable or unwilling to help. AND she's willing to scream, cry or wait until I can or will help her. Funny though, if I won't help her and she throws a tantrum, she usually stalks off to her room crying about fairness, calms down then comes down to apologize.

Well, that's all for now!

Do Nothing, Say Nothing...again

2010-07-13T20:29:00.002-04:00

I am doing the program again. Yes, I am. Several of my bloggy friends are doing it, too. Thanks for the inspiration ladies! It's funny how a little moral support goes a long way.

This is a challenging week to start this. Sweetie Heart has art camp this week, so she needs to be at the school at 9am. Yesterday, I woke her up. She has a hard time getting herself up, or so I tell myself. This morning, however, when I went in she was laying in bed reading. don't know for how long. I did ask what time she wanted to leave so I could be ready and moved forward. I did what I needed to do so Squeak and I would be ready on time.

She moseyed down stairs at 8:15 am and asked if she could make puff pancake. I told her she didn't have time. Oops. Sweet Girl asked if she could make eggs. She did for her and her sister, but they weren't done until 8:35. This makes me absolutely CRAZY! She got done eating by the time she wanted to leave 8:50 but she still needed to brush her teeth, get a snack and water and out her shoes on. I told Sweet Girl to put her shoes on so we could go. She wanted to stay home. Uh, no. She's only almost 5. Then she could only find one of the shoes she wanted to wear and no other shoe would do. She screamed, cried and carried on for awhile. She had a pair of shoes on the porch so finally I pulled her out of the house, locked to door behind me and said we were leaving. She screamed for us to wait, pulled on her shoes and caught up.

Sweetie Heart complained that Sweet Girl was making her late! Now that really makes my blood boil. She had plenty of time to get and be ready on time, even early. She wasn't even ready until 9:05 and class starts at 9. But then she put the blame on someone else. This isn't new. It happened pretty often when she was late for school last year.

What I've realized the last few days is that I talk way too much! I am constantly reminding, asking, advising, hurrying etc. my kids. They ask for permission for everything! Can I have toast for breakfast. They tell me everything. I'm going to the bathroom. It makes DNSN week really hard. Am I supposed to answer them? I'm thinking not, but what's a girl to do?

They also do not clean up after themselves very well. They did keep it confined to their bedroom today so I won't complain. Webby came home and closed their door. I did ask them to stay out of my room because I don't want them to trash it.

We aren't abandoning the things that work. We still had family meeting this week and picked contributions. I haven't seen them get done yet though. Sweetie Heart has laundry and I anticipate that it won't get done this week. I'm ready to do the adult and Squeak's laundry when necessary. It may not effect them though because they have so many clothes. We shall see. Sweet Girl is on the menu so I asked her what we were having for dinner earlier today, since I make it. I made the soup and biscuits. When dinner time came she asked where the corn was. I told her I didn't remember because it wasn't written down. She went to write it down, she can't spell yet, by the way, but she likes to write down a bunch of letters.

So onward. Wish me luck. I think I'll break out the tape for tomorrow!

2010-07-12T10:15:00.002-04:00

This is too funny not to share!

Survivor: Suburbia – The Grocery Store with Children Challenge

Summer Crazies

2010-07-06T12:14:00.002-04:00

Yes, that is what we are. Two out of the last 3 weeks we have had company. Swim lessons started and ended. We've had lots of late nights and lack of contributions getting done. But honestly, I get it. Who wants to work when there are people to play with and fun to be had. The girls did pretty well helping when asked. There was a bit of attitude, but I think it's kind of like the slumber party. They were showing off for their older cousins. And we've had a long weekend to recover...thankfully! But it was such a blast! We love having Webby's family over for a visit!

Swim lessons have always been a bit of a sore spot for me. My kids tend to fight me on them. I get frustrated and see red when they refuse to participate and learn. I didn't pay for them to sit on the side! I know...I know.... My kids didn't ask to take the lesson, I put them in against their will. But I have my own story about this. I never really learned how to swim. I can keep myself a float but I'm not confident at all. There were times that I bowed out of activities with friends because of it. There are things I will probably never do, like scuba dive, because of it. So I want my kids to learn to swim, plus it's a safety issue. So I keep putting them in.

After a couple of years of fighting me, Sweetie Heart is doing better. But she lacks confidence so she doesn't even do her best sometimes. She just sits on the side. Sweet Girl was okay the first couple of days, but then a daycare center signed up a bunch of kids and it went from 5 kids to 12+. That wasn't so good for her. I just kept taking them even though I was having a bunch of push back (I don't want to go! They don't even help! I'm not going!) I had to leave a few times. Really it's better that way because if I'm not there to see what they aren't doing then my blood doesn't boil. But of course, they want me to stay. Neither of them passed their levels. We'll give it a go again next year. I'm thinking about private lessons next year

Success!!

2010-06-21T12:22:00.002-04:00

Well, We just had the best time on Friday and Saturday! No...really! It was a blast.

Right before the party my dad called and gave me the best advice. He told me to relax and have fun. He also made me aware that Sweetie Heart was going to be dismissive towards me. But that she didn't really mean it, she would just be showing off to her friends. He also reminded me to remember how it I acted when I had parties as a kids. Great advice along with all the others I received! Thanks!

I realize that the dismissive-ness, eye-rolling, whatever attitude is a Button of mine, so keeping that in mind allowed me to keep my cool. Before the party started I ask Sweetie Heart what things were okay for Sweet Girl to be involved in. I asked Sweetie Heart to please tell me if Sweet Girl was too involved so that I could involve her elsewhere instead of hitting or yelling at her. That worked really well. Webby took Sweet Girl on a picnic dinner over to the playground and they stayed and played after. She came home later and decorated her cake with Webby and then watched the movie with the girls. He then took her on a backyard camp out with him. I really think it is key to have a plan on what to do with the other child(ren) in the house when one person is having a sleep over.

They started the party eating Popsicles and playing outside. I let go of control and made it a yes day. Can we have Popsicles before dinner? Yes. Can we have another one? Yes. For me to be okay I did have a few plans to keep them busy. I am not a crafty person. I cook! So I get kids involved with cooking stuff. The girls all made personal pizzas. While those were cooking they frosted and decorated mini 3 layer cakes, which was Sweetie Heart's idea. Decorating cupcakes has been something I have always done for a great craft/ time consuming party idea. That way the kids get cake the way they like it and then they can eat it! Very fun!

The kids played outside most of the evening and smeared chocolate on their faces at one point. I just smiled and took pictures. There was a ton of giggling and and loudness, which can get on my nerves, but again I just let go and smiled. I loved the advice I got from tealara and midwifemama, who told me to go with the flow and too look at how much fun they were having when I wanted to get frustrated. That helped me to stay cool.

I attempted to get them to settle in to bed at 11:20pm. Yeah...right! Try 1:45am! They kept getting up to play. I told them I didn't mind then staying up so long as they weren't loud. I did make them keep the lights off, which in retrospect I should have just let go. I came down a number of times to ask them to quiet down and to get back in bed. It's the biggest problem with having a small house.

I woke them at 7am to have breakfast. Monkey bread, scrambled eggs, cantaloupe, blueberries, and raspberries. Then they went back outside to play more. One girl came in to sneak some leftover candy. I handed it to her and said she could take it outside to share. I swear I saw more big eyes on faces last weekend. It was all so fun! Not that I want to do another this week. But when it's time, it'll be great!

T - 26 Hours

2010-06-17T13:44:00.002-04:00

Until the first ever slumber party at our home.

As I posted before Sweetie Heart had $40 budget. An adult friend gave her another $10 for the party. I took her to the store with her list and this is what she bought:

M&M's
Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Mini Mint Patties
Swedish Fish
Hershey Kisses
Sun Chips
Corn Chips
Pepperoni
Eggs
Popsicles
Cheese (2lbs)
Cantelope
Blueberries
Cream Cheese (x2) to make frosting

I think that's it. The party starts at 4pm. They will be making mini pizzas and decorating mini layer cakes and eating Popsicles. They will play games, outside if weather permits and watch a movie. We are going to have a great time!!

Webby will be entertaining Sweet Girl and be camping out in the backyard with her. But he'll be here for backup if I need him. He was honest with me about this being mine to do with Sweetie Heart. I get it. Four 8 year olds in a house can be a lot to handle especially if you're a man who only had 1 older brother.

Any last minute advice from you seasoned parents?

Keeping Kids on Track | Seven Days

2010-06-10T15:52:00.000-04:00

Keeping Kids on Track | Seven Days

Here's an interview with Vicki Hoefle: Parent Educator, developer of the Parenting on Track Program and my BFF. Enjoy!

It's All Good

2010-06-10T09:44:00.004-04:00

I've been busy posting all my...not sure what to call them. They are really problems, just little bumps in the road. I also want to post about all the great and unexpected stuff going on here.

About a month ago I bought some craft sticks to write the contributions on. Now when it's time to choose new contributions everyone grabs a stick. It's easier then the pieces of paper I was using and much better (for my sanity) then arguing who's going to do what. I decided to add a couple. There are 4 of us doing contribution and 6 contribution. The rules are: you can trade with anyone at the table and you can pick a 2nd contribution if you want. If you don't like the 2nd one you can put it back in the pot but it can't be traded for the 1st on drawn. I really want everyone to learn how to do everything. I think this is the best way to facilitate that.

Our Contribution list is: Kitchen, Living Room, Bathroom, Floors, Laundry and Meals. I might add to these in the future. Sweetie Heart has really wanted to choose the Meals contribution. I told her she didn't have to draw it to do it, but she really wants to draw it. Three weeks ago she took her draw (kitchen), she decided she wanted to draw again to see if she could get meals and she did! She was so excited!

The next morning before school I asked her what we were having for dinner that night. She looked at me like oh! I need to do that now? She started naming stuff off she like to eat. I told her I didn't have some of the ingredients we needed for those meals. I gave her this form (that was tough to find again!) and she went to work. There are certain things we eat certain night. For example: Monday is pasta night, Wednesday is breakfast for dinner, Friday is pizza night and Sunday is rice and stir fried veggies. We then talked about what we had on hand and could make meals out of.

Honestly, I hate meal planning. I like cooking but meal planning, at least for right now, is difficult for me right now. I like to be able to look at the list and know what I'm making. The added bonus is that she is choosing food she likes to eat so I don't get the complaints about not liking the food. Hurray!

Sweet Girl is showing great skills with the laundry. Have I ever told you how much I LOVE my front loader. I have a very basic model and it is wonderful. It has all the dials and dispensers on the front right above the door so even small people can fill it and turn the knobs. The dryer sits right next to it so it's easy to move clothes from one to the other.

Right now expectations are pretty low. If they have the kitchen it means they have to set and clear the table. We tend to have a problem with the girls clearing their places. Now it someone doesn't clear their place it is cleared by the person with the kitchen contribution. In the last 3 week Sweetie Heart has drawn kitchen twice. It makes her made when she has to clear other people's places. Last week she very nicely asked us to please clear our own places. Sweet Girl can be a bit contrary. She said no and walked away.

This week Sweet Girl drew kitchen. I have intentionally left a bowl or fork on the table for her to clear. I was wondering what Sweetie Heart would do. Yesterday morning she cleared her place without even thinking about it (success!!) Yesterday evening, however, she leaned over and quietly asked me if she had to clear her place. I told her it was up to her. She said, "Sweet Girl hasn't cleared her place so I'm not going to clear mine." Fair enough.

Last week Sweetie Heart drew the living room. So she needed to keep it picked up in the evening. That also means she can put stuff in the lost and found if it's not put away. That was the first week she was doing meals, too. At Family Meeting I told her I appreciated that she had kept the living room clean and helped me with the meals. She turned to me and said, "Yea, except I haven't been doing the living room." I responded, "Isn't it nice when we all do our part so one person isn't left to pick up after everyone." Just a little food for thought.

Webby and I are working with the kids while they are doing their contributions. Ultimately, we have to do what is left over, so we are taking the time to work with them. Webby commented to me the other day. He said that it is easier to do a more thorough job on things (like the kitchen) because the rest of the house it clean. It doesn't seem so futile. When you can get something done knowing that you are going to move into the next room and it's going to be clean makes us all so much happier.

We just keep moving forward. It's not always easy. We have break downs and tantrums. Things get hard. We keep moving forward (and sometimes backward) doing our best to "Keep Calm and Carry On!"

Scissors

2010-06-09T08:51:00.003-04:00

Need I say more?!

Let me say that this is the 2nd time this has happened. The last time she was 3. She's 4.5 yo now and it takes forever to grow out. Looks like a couple 4 inches. Same place, right behind the right ear, about mid ear.

Sweet Girl: : big grin on her face, laughing, hands me a big clump of hair: I was cutting dollies hair and I cut mine, too!
me: ::Big gasp::
SG: Looks down at the floor with a sad face. Now knows she shouldn't have done it.
me: I thought you wanted to grow your hair out. Now we're going to have to cut it.
SG: ::Still looking at the floor:: I don't want to grow it out.
me: ::pause:: You don't have to cut your hair off if you don't want to. Please don't cut your hair anyone. Do you think that's a reasonable request?
SG: ::no answer::
me: You can think about it and let me know. Please go and get the scissors and bring them back downstairs.
SG: ::Brings puts the scissors away and agrees that her not cutting her hair is a reasonable request::

I think I pulled out of that one pretty well. I starting going over the top, caught myself just in time, and redirected.

Whew, that was a close one.

The Hairy Eyeball

2010-06-08T12:54:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of things for me to post about. I think blog posts all the time. When I finally sit down to write one I tend to forget. This one is freshest.

Yesterday Sweet Girl, squeak and I went to help a friend, who is graduating from high school and her family is moving, go through her stuff. You know how hard it is to get rid of your stuff and here she is preparing for 2 big life changers. So I asked what I could do to help her and she asked if I would come over and help her go through some of her stuff. I digress.

We left their place in just enough time to get home and walk over to get Sweetie Heart for school. We were cutting it a bit close so I wasn't sure if I'd just be driving to the school or if I would have enough time to get home and pack the baby up and walk over. We ended up having time to walk.

It's about a 30 minute drive and on the way home both kids fell asleep. I don't blame them, I was tired, too. I started talking to Sweet Girl when we were getting close, but it didn't seem to matter. So we pulled in and I opened the doors to the van. Sweet Girls' eyes popped open with a look of panic in them. I soothingly told her we were home and needed to go pick up her sister. She could either walk or ride her bike. She started screaming that she didn't want to do either. She wanted to drive!!! I calmly explained that we were going to walk and that she could choose to ride her bike if she wanted, but when I came back out if she didn't have her bike out she would be choosing to walk.

I took Squeak in the house and put him on my back in the ergo. When I came back out she was standing outside the van, telling me that she was not going to go. I'm talking arms crossed, foot stomping, yelling at me. I kept my cool and took her gently by the arm and explained that she would be going with me. I explained that I understood that she was tired and wanted to be home. We would be able to be back home as soon as we picked up her sister.

She screamed. She tried to pull away. She tried to dig in her heals. And I pulled her along. We were going to the school, so of course, there were lots of people out. People driving by. People on their porches. People picking up their own kids. Sweet Girls continued the whole. way. there! I just smiled. I waved at people I knew. And I kept reassuring her that we would be going home as soon as we picked up sister.

When we were a block and a half away from the school, a half a block from the corner I was approaching, I saw a woman stop. This was someone I didn't know. Great. She stood there a minute and watched us approach then she slowly walked on.

In front of the school is a large yard area. I'd say it's about a half a block long. As I approached the school I let go of Sweet Girl. I wanted to see what she would do if I let go and continued to the school. I expected that she would take a few steps and then follow me. I was wrong. She said, "I'm going home. RIGHT! NOW!" and started walking to the street. I had to run to catch her. She was going to go home by herself! Now remember I had a 17lb baby on my back. Not an easy thing to do. Would she have followed through with walking all the way back home? I don't know. But I think that falls under the "physically dangerous" headings so I did what I had to to get her to stay with me. I took her by the arm again and guided her to the school. I tried to distract her to no avail.

As I looked towards the school, waiting for Sweetie Heart to emerge I noticed that the same woman (the one I didn't) was watching me from inside the school. She just stood there and watched me for a few minutes. I guess I passed her test when she saw me talking to other parents with me gripping this child by the arm. Then she disappeared.

All in all I am glad that someone would stop and take notice of a screaming child being dragged along by an adult. But I also felt a little judged, not just by her but by teachers, by other parents and adults, by my neighbors. But I kept my head up and kept taking steps forward.

I also see my child as very strong willed. She will not be a victim. She will fight back and defend. She has the courage to do what needs to be done to get what she wants...even at 4 1/2.

PS. dad you don't have to call me. I'm okay. It will all be fine. Thank you for your support!

"Mama, can I...

2010-06-02T08:41:00.002-04:00

have a slumber party for my birthday this year?" Sweetie Heart asked.

Are you kidding me?? You're too young! You can't handle it! Not a chance!

Those were the things that I thought, but I kept it all to myself. What I said was, "I'll have to talk to papa about that." I needed some time to sort it all out. In the beginning I was thinking about all the reasons why she couldn't have a slumber party. I was working up my list of justifications for saying no. Then I remembered that I had told her when she was 5 that she could have/ go to slumber parties when she turned 8 or was in the 3rd grade. Umm, that's this year!!

Then I watched momTV on Democratic Parenting (dated 5/25/10). One of the things Vicki said that really struck a cord with me wast this. Kids need to have a voice in their lives. They need to feel and know that they get to make decisions about their lives. This got me to thinking. I am a dictator and I'm permissive. Bad combo. I want to be democratic and to do so I need to listen and hear what the kids are saying and consider what they say. They need to know that I believe in them and respect their choices. The only way I can do that is by letting them do the things they want to do...especially if they've really thought it through. I was reminded of this blog post Vicki did on "Letting Go" and I realized it was time for me to let go of this little piece.

When Sweetie Heart came home from school (I still hadn't talked to Webby about it) I asked her what her plan was. No plan, no party. Honestly, though, how could I say no if she had a plan?

Here's her plan:

3 friends (I know all of them and their mothers)
dropped off at 3:45
play at pay ground until 5
come home and make pizza and have cake and ice cream
play more at the home
watch a short movie
go to bed at 8:45 (sideways glance at me to see my reaction. I stayed passive and just nodded my head.)

"What about the morning?" I ask.

have breakfast (can't remember what she suggested, but I can figure that out)
pick up at 9...maybe 11?? My response: 11 is too late for me. 9 then!

SH: Can I have the slumber party?
me: I still need to talk to papa.

She totally had a plan. Webby and I talked and the party is a go. I'm giving her a $40 budget to buy the stuff (food, snacks, drinks, ice cream etc) for the party. She will go with me to buy all the stuff. It should be lots of fun.

They grow up so fast and it's hard to let go. But I know this is how she is going to learn how to navigate her life. It will open the doors to her coming to me and asking to do the things she wants to do. It will instill confidence in herself and her abilities to think things out, make a plan and follow through.

Next up: She wants a pet!

Contributions

2010-05-18T12:42:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to give a little update about our contributions.

Since starting contributions it's been on and off. I expected too much from the kids. I expected perfection from the get go. It was pointed out to me that kids are afraid to do things right or 100% in the beginning. That is because if they do it "right" or 100% from the get go then there is expectation from me as a parent that they will always do so. And they will get in trouble if they don't. Well, that makes a lot of sense.

I've tried out a bunch of different ways. I've reminded, badgered, nagged and fussed. Well, those ways didn't work. I've set up my expectations of what should be done and then gotten crabby when it was done to my expectations. Duh, I keep setting myself up.

This time around it's been a bit different. I went to the dollar store and picked up some craft sticks. I wrote 6 different contributions on those and now we each pick a stick there are only 4 of us so there are a couple to spare. We can trade but only with what is out on the table. I have made it a point to cheer when I get something I like and grumble a little when I get something I don't like. I think this helps the kids know that even I have my preferences. But I still have to do things I don't like doing.

The first week Webby pulled laundry we talked later. He said he didn't see how he was going to do it because he is gone all day. I told him I wanted to the kids to see how he made it work for him. He put loads of laundry in in the morning before work (when the kids could see him do it.) He asked me to help switch laundry over. He took baskets up after he got home. He ironed! The next week Sweetie Heart picked laundry. She said she couldn't do it. I sat down with her and told her she didn't have to do it my way (2 loads of laundry twice a week) she could do it whatever way worked for her. We problem solved it together. She decided that she could put a load in before school 4 days a week. She asked me if I could switch it over and fold it and then she would deliver it when she got home. My laundry schedule has now changed. It doesn't really work for me to do 2 loads twice a week. But really I'm flexible. Now laundry works for everyone in the family!

I am doing my best to keep my expectations relatively low. I can't expect Sweetie Heart to clean the entire kitchen yet. She hasn't been doing it long enough to feel able to do that. This morning I asked her if it seem reasonable that she could set and clear the table for every meal she was home for. Yes! She did ask if I would help her. I told her that I would be in the kitchen cleaning up with her.

After breakfast came to an end she walked away. We were about leave for school when I noticed she hadn't done it. I reminded her about her contribution. She said she didn't have time. I told her she had plenty of time. One of the problems we have is with the kids clearing their places. Last week Webby and I decided that we would take care of it for them and the next time they pulled kitchen we could allow natural consequences to occur. Today Sweet Girl left her breakfast dishes on the table. Sweetie Heart said she "didn't have to" clear her place. I reminded her that she agreed to clear the table and that included her sister's place. I also pointed out that I had been clearing her place the week before. Probably shouldn't have done that. I had, "That sounds like a problem for you. Go put it on the problem solving board" all ready. But she didn't complain. She didn't even grump about it. She just did it! I was shocked!

Sweet Girl has been a trooper through all of her contributions. She doesn't usually remember, but I either remind her or use, "Yes, as soon as..." and that seems to be working pretty well. I am working right next to her, taking the time to train. I have noticed that once I start sometimes she slows down and just watches me. That makes me crazy. Kind of like the Tom Sawyer thing. So I stop and let her know that when she is ready to work too I will come back. She was on floors last week. She did one upstairs and one downstairs everyday!!

Kids are so smart! They catch on so quickly. It's hard to train but worth all of the energy and patience (or lack there of) to do it. It makes me really excited for when Squeak starts to walk. Because you know what Vicki says, "If they can walk they can work!"

Gever Tulley on 5 dangerous things for kids | Video on TED.com

2010-05-17T11:46:00.000-04:00

Gever Tulley on 5 dangerous things for kids | Video on TED.com

Questions

2010-05-17T08:59:00.004-04:00

Can we go camping tonight? That was the question that was asked Friday night. Well...why not! I don't really camp but if Webby was willing, I had no problem with it. So they three of them camped in the back yard and had a blast!

We're making memories here!

Sweetie Heart asked ma anther interesting question the other night. She said, "What would you do if I failed (did bad) in school." I'm trying to remember if she used the word failed. I dug a little deeper. Asked a few questions: what subject, are you doing bad at school? Apparently it was just a general question. I'm sure she is doing fine at school. The question was an "all of school" question. I sat down with her and told her we would need to change a few things. First thing we would do is sit down and talk about why she wasn't doing well. We would need to problem solve from there. Things would have to change a little though. She wouldn't be able to activities after school, except for mentoring. During mentoring she would need to work on homework instead of playing. She would need to come home after school and do homework every night and not play first. She might need also tutor.

Interesting question though. I wonder why she asked it. It may go to the root of acceptance for her. She wants/ needs to know that no matter what we will love her and be by her side. If this ever happens I hope that I can stay calm and not react poorly. I hope I can go into it as matter-of-factly as I did when answering her question.

Squeak is doing great! He is growing like crazy! He really is an amazing little man. He's 8 months now, how time has flown. He started saying "mama" about a month ago. He says "dada" a little too. But then the kids call Webby "papa" so we'll have to listen for that later. He's just started moving about on the floor. He's got the pushing himself backward thing down pretty well. He's lets me know when he's backed himself up against something by short little cries. He's also sitting up some and can turn himself in a circle when he's on his belly. He's showing us how un-baby proof the house is. He can now see what he wants, get himself there and pull stuff down so he can chew on it. He also has the cutest laugh and loves to play peek-a-boo!

Preview to Summer

2010-05-14T13:01:00.002-04:00

Vicki recently wrote a post about summer vacation. Summer can go one of two ways. It can looked forward to and be tons of fun or it can painful and dreaded. I usually go into summer hoping for the best but expecting the worse.

But I love this about making a plan for the summer. Have everyone write down their expectations for the summer. Then you sit down together and actually make a plan. A Road Map for the summer! It's genius really. And yet so simple. I thought to myself, "Well, duh"! So we're going to do this. I am so excited!

I also realize it's about attitude. Like how my attitude made for stressful vacation, when everything else was going so well. My attitude for the summer will effect how it will go.

I feel like yesterday was a preview to summer. Sweet Girl came down with a fever yesterday afternoon. She slept most of the day. Webby had a meeting in the evening so he wasn't going to be home until late. Sweetie Heart met with her mentor after school. There was no school the next day. Hmm, it can go whatever way I want it to. So we had dinner early, honestly evening almost always goes better when we eat dinner before 5pm. Yes, I know it's crazy...but it's true.

After we cleaned up I put Squeak to bed, cleaned up the kitchen, and had the girls brush teeth. Sweet Girl was ready to get back in bed, so I put her there. Sweetie Heart asked if I would play with her outside. Yes! Everything was done that needed done right then so out we went.

She made up a game where we threw a ball in the air and tried to get it to bounce off the roof of our 2 story garage/ barn thing. Kind of like basket ball without the bouncing since we were in the grass. We each tried to keep the ball from each other. There was a bit of wrestling, a bit of tickling and lots of laughing! We had been out for a little bit when I noticed Sweet Girl at the door. She heard us outside laughing. She came down to investigate. She watched us for a little bit then announced that her head and belly were feeling better and she was going to get her shoes. Really I had to laugh. She didn't want to be left out.

Sweet Girl couldn't find her shoes, but I told her it was fine for her to be out in the grass in her feetie jammies. She wasn't really up to running around so we took a break and sat down and threw the ball back a forth. We had so much fun running around and playing. Lots of laughing!! We need so much more of that!

We came in around 7:20pm. Bedtime is usually 7pm, so this was a treat. I put Sweet Girl back to bed. Sweet Girl asked if I would read a little to her. I said yes. She was surprised! She said, "I didn't really expect that you would say yes!" So we read until almost 8pm. As I was tucking her in to bed. She said, "I had so much fun playing and wrestling with you tonight." I did, too!

This is what I want summer to look like. Fun! Laid back! Lots of laughter! I also want to have everyone working together so I am not required to do all the work. If we are able to work together we are going to have a blast this summer!! I can't wait!!

One Small Step

2010-05-12T14:07:00.002-04:00

Let me take a few steps back to set up this story.

Since we been back from the April Break things have been pretty hairy. Actually, it started while we were on vacation. Despite making good time traveling, beautiful weather, wonderful time spent with family and friends, we seemed to taint our time with negativity. There was fighting and short tempers. Since we have been back it has been more of the same.

Mornings have been rough. When we got back I asked her what time she wanted to leave for school. School starts at 8 am. It takes about 5 minutes to get there. She said she wanted to leave at 7:55 am. No big deal...except she wasn't even starting to get ready to leave until that time. After one of her meltdowns last week she brought up the fact that her teacher has been "yelling" at her for being late. It was the first I had heard about it. Seems it has been going on for awhile.

I asked her what she wanted to do differently. She said something about making her lunch the night before, to which I pointed out that she had been eating hot lunch since we've been back. She thought about it a second and said she wanted to leave at 7:45 am. So we've been doing that for a few days and she has been getting to school early!

Yesterday we left on time. A block away from the house she realized she left her sneakers at home and it was PE day. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to go back and get them. she did so and still arrived to school on time. I said, " Doesn't it feel great that because we left earlier enough you were able to go back for what you forgot and still got to school on time?!" She agreed.

This morning, and this is the real story I want to tell, it was time to leave. I've taken to sitting on the porch with Squeak when it's time to go. Kind of like sitting in the car and waiting. Her sister came out, followed by herself. She went back in. Sweet Girl went back in. She came back out. Sweet Girl came back out. I reminded them that the last one out needs to shut the door. Sweet Girl went back to shut the door and Sweetie Heart started walking. She was several yards ahead of me. So I asked her if she wanted to walk by herself today. She looked back at me and said, "I can't cross the big street by myself." I told her I could help her cross the street and she could go on from there or she could go the other way where her PE teacher is a crossing guard. She thought a minute and said, "If Ms. N is there, I'll walk by myself." Then she noted to herself that we left at 7:47 so she should still be there and she was. She gave me a hug and kiss, hugged her sister and kissed her brother and walked to school all by herself! I watched her until she crossed, she looked back and waved.

This may seem like such a small thing, but it is huge! I have been encouraging her to walk on her own, even part way, for most of the school year. I think she's only done it twice and it was at the edge of school property, like 1/2 a block. I have told her that whenever she is ready to let me know and have asked her a few times each month. Each time it has been no. She has even told me she always wants me to walk her to school. I told her I walk her to school as long as she wanted me to, and that I thought she was old enough and capable enough to do it when she was ready. She begs me to come in the school foyer nearly every morning to drop her off.

This is huge for her! Today she had courage to do this on her own! I'll be going to pick her up in a few minutes. We'll see how she feels about it. Maybe she'll do it again tomorrow maybe she won't. But even if tomorrow she asks me to walk her to school again, she know she can do it because she already has!

Summertime and the living is

2010-05-11T06:23:00.001-04:00

Summertime and the living is…well, that depends on who you ask

Posted using ShareThis

2010-05-05T00:42:00.000-04:00

COSI

2010-05-04T11:37:00.003-04:00

While we on vacation in Ohio we visited with friends and family. We had a great time. Where we live there is a little science center that Sweetie Heart said was here favorite place. It is fun! But I knew a place that would knock her socks off.

I remember being a kid and going on field trips to C.O.S.I. I always loved it! My favorite part was the olden time street and the coal mine. When you went "down" the coal mine, they had you get into an "elevator" and took you down. You had to go to the basement to get to the elevator. I always thought they were actually taking you down deeper. They had these little windows in the elevator so you could "see" yourself moving down. I also remember when I was old enough to figure out that the walls must be moving because we really weren't. Plus when you got done you walked up a flight of steps to the main level.

Anyway, my dad took us to C.O.S.I. and the kids loved it. My brother went, too. It is different now because they moved buildings, but it's still pretty great. Here are some pictures of our day at C.O.S.I. I'm post more pictures of our trip later.

And, yes I know a couple of them are sideways. I thought I had turned them all.

Rabbit Hole

2010-04-29T19:36:00.002-04:00

We went way down the Rabbit Hole tonight. It was bad! After it was over I just kind of shut down. What more is there to do? I really can't remember the last time we went down the Rabbit Hole, which is good. It used to happen on a daily basis, sometimes a couple of times a day. So this is a dramatic improvement. But when it does happen it makes me feel so bad.

Sweetie heart and I did things to each other that we both feel bad about. We both apologized and we both forgave each other.

The activating event for me is the attacks that happen on her younger sister. Don't get me wrong, most of the time Sweet Girl can hold her own and she fights back. But there are times when being bigger means that you can and will hurt someone. As I watched it all play out, I sat on the sidelines letting them go at it verbally, even though it makes me absolutely crazy listening to them bicker. When the fist hitting started I stepped in...not so patiently, I might add. All the little stuff adds up and it didn't go so well. Sweetie Heart was in the Rabbit Hole and I totally went down with her.

Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Library Update

2010-04-29T19:30:00.002-04:00

We went to the library today. Sweet Girl decided before we went that she was going to hangout in the office instead of going to story time. She spent the whole time in the office. She didn't even go in after to get the craft. Ms. G spent the little time I was in there ignoring me. It's happened before, it always gets better.

Mostly I think Ms. G feels bad that Sweet Girl doesn't want to go to story time. She loves my girls and my family. It's not personal. Sweet Girl just knows what she likes and what she can handle. She is at choice and she choose herself over what others want for her. This will help to make her an amazing adult!

That Girl...

2010-04-28T20:55:00.003-04:00

never ceases to amaze me. This Parenting on Track thing really does work. And what's even better is that the earlier you start the easier it is for kids to get it. I have found that Sweet Girl is mush easier to teach and encourage her through the changes then it is with Sweetie Heart. they are both doing so great with all the changes. And things just keep changing and getting better.

I have two stories that really go to show that our kids are geniuses and, when we take the time to ask, they really do have the best solutions.

This first story has taken a bit of time for me to metabolize. I think you'll see why.

As many of you know I have a passion for libraries and reading. When we moved her 3 1/2 years ago I started volunteering at the library. I took both of the girls with me they were 4 & 18 months at the time. They really have grown up at the library. They know and love the librarians and volunteers. Both of my girls have a special relationship with the head librarian. They love to spend time hanging out in her office and she loves having them.

We haven't been to the library for a while. It's probably been over a month. Sweet Girl had to earn the privilege to go by being ready to leave places when I said it was time. Last week she asked if we could go. She has been improving so I decided it was time to go again and see what happened. This isn't really the story, but she did great.

We went on story time day. Sweet Girl hasn't gone to story time for awhile. She's one of the oldest. She doesn't really know the kids her age because she didn't get into preschool this year and she really doesn't like big crowds. And let me tell you, there are a ton of kids and parents there. She tends to spend most of story time in the office and comes out when almost everyone is gone to do the craft. In the past I have heard the librarian tell Sweet Girl if she wasn't going to come to story time she wasn't going to be allowed to do the craft. Sweet Girl's response was to go with her for about 5 minutes and then come back to the office and say she didn't want to do the craft anyway. Good Girl!

This past week was more of the same. We went, she hung out in the office until the end and then came out to ask for the craft. I happened to be in there feeding Squeak when this all went down. It showed considerable restraint, all thing considered. Ms. G was cleaning up the craft table and putting the room back in order. When Sweet Girl asked for the craft she kind of ignored her, looking over her head ans such. Sweet Girl was persistent and asked again. Ms. G couldn't keep ignoring her because let's face it I was in the room. She gave her one. Sweet Girl asked for one for her big sister. Ms. G responded that pretty soon she was going to give one to Sweetie Heart but not to her because if she wanted to do the craft she was going to have to go to all of story time. I hate it when adults do stuff to kids. Totally one of my buttons.

After we came home I sat down with Sweet Girl to talk about it. I asked her how it made her feel when Ms. G said that. She said it made it feel mad. Sweet Girl's go to emotions are happy and sad. She doesn't really delineate more than that. So her saying it made her mad is really saying something. We talked about what we could do. We could go on a different morning or just go realizing that she might not get the craft or she could go to story time. She asked if Ms. G would be there on Wednesday mornings. I told her no she doesn't work that morning. She said she wanted to go on Wednesday. Hmm.

I revisited it on Tuesday. She said she wanted to go on Thursday because she wanted to do the craft. I asked if she wanted to go to story time. She said no, but she wanted to do the craft. I reminded her of what was said and she said, "But mom, she gave me the craft." Very true.

I've been going over it in my mind. Webby and I have talked about it. I've considered talking to Ms. G or the head librarian. I've considered not going on Thursdays so it's not even an issue. I've thought about stepping in and telling Sweetie Heart she has to go to story time. But you know what I decided? I'm just going to let it play out. Ms. G will either follow through or she won't. Either way Sweetie Heart will learn something. Do you know what else I realized? I do this all the time. I decide who I want to be around everyday. I decide whether or not to let someone else move me in the direction they want me to go. This is really good information for Sweetie Heart. And really, she already shown me that manipulation doesn't really work on her. She's a fighter, that one. If she feels forced or isn't asked in the right way, she says no and fights! But when asked if when would be willing or asked nicely she almost always happily complies. She's an amazing little girl!

Sweetie Heart is doing great with less clothes. The other day she handed me some clothes. I told her to put it in the hamper and she told me it was one of her "special outfits", it was dirty and needed washed. Hurray!! She's getting it and so am I!

She wants an later bed time. According to her, all of her friends stay up later then she does. She also gets up a lot earlier then they do, but that's beside the point. I started to make up a P&R for her. I decided to ask Vicki about it. Basically, she told me to butt out (in the nice Vicki way) and let Sweet Heart do it for herself. So we sat down after school today. I told her what my expectations were and let her make up her own P&R. Then I explained a Roadmap to her and she kind of did one of those. It's going to take a bit of tweaking but I'm really excited to see what happens! One of the things she decided to do was put up little signs all over the house that say "Think First." They are to remind her to think about what she needs to do everyday or earn her privilege. As she was explaining them to me she said, "Like your 'Keep Calm And Carry On' signs mom." She really is watching and observing and copying.

A Little Story

2010-04-19T22:15:00.002-04:00

This afternoon we finally put together Sweetie Hearts "favorite outfits." She asked me again to make sure that I would keep at least one of them clean for her at all times. She had no qualms putting her dirty shirt in the laundry tonight.

As we were going through the clothes and getting rid of some she doesn't want anymore, Sweet Girl was bouncing on her bed and entertaining herself. She's great at that! We weren't really paying much attention to her or what she was doing. Then I heard her say, "Who wrote an H on the wall? I didn't do it" I looked up to see he a big capital H written on the wall on brown colored pencil. I looked over at her and she was holding a brown colored pencil. She repeated, "I didn't do it. Someone came in and wrote on the wall."

She's been doing quite a bit of blaming others when she does something she shouldn't or thinks she might get in trouble for. She says her grandma did it (invisible friend), or blame it on an actual friend saying they just left or did it the last time they were here and we just now noticed. In the past both the writing on the wall and the lying would have sent me into a lecture about how we aren't supposed to have coloring stuff upstairs (for this very reason), how now she was going to have to clean it up (which she did have to do) and it would really be to make her feel bad. Today was different. Maybe Vicki was on my shoulder. I just looked at her and said that I knew that she did in and that she needed to get an eraser to clean it off the wall. She went and got an eraser and said she tried to do it. I'm going to assume she actually did try, but I wouldn't bet the bank on it. Then she asked me for help. I got a different eraser and we went back to the wall. I erased a little to show her it worked. She asked for the eraser and took over. I never did go back to see how it went. Guess I'll check in the morning.

How was that for firm but kind!

Not Me!

2010-04-08T15:46:00.002-04:00

It's been another interesting week. The contributions haven't been going all that great. They only do them if I remind them. That said, I haven't been doing my contributions either. Yes, I know I can't expect my kids to do what I will not.

This week at Family Meeting contributions went out. Sweetie Heart got assigned the living room. "I don't want the living room," she says. Funny all last week when it was my contribution and she had the kitchen she said she wanted the living room. Sweet Girl was assigned the floors. Now I realize it is hard for a 4 year old to sweep a floor. We did cut down a broom so it is more manageable for the kids to use. She has done it one day. She was complaining about it because I told her she could do it or sit on the stairs. She defied me with words, pouted and when that didn't work she asked me to help her. And we swept the floor together.

One thing Vicki pointed out was when kids are learning to do something they are afraid to do too much. They are afraid that if they do it too well and consistently then we will expect them to do it to the same standard all the time. She suggested a time line for it. Write down a time line for doing the contribution without reminding. Something like 3 times in 7 days. But we figure it out together and when that gets to be getting done then up it. So I'm going to work on that.

I have also heard, "That's not my contribution!" What am I supposed to say to that. They are are right. So I have been accepting that and moving on. Sometimes if I ask, "Would you be willing..." then they will, but when I ask that way I have to be and am willing for them to say no. It's just frustrating when we are trying to get ready to go some place and no one wants to help get things done so we can go.

Making It Work

2010-04-08T09:50:00.002-04:00

I've been doing my best to encourage Sweetie Heart write down lists of the things she needs to to every day. Sometimes she will write stuff down, but then she doesn't look at the list or cross things off. She still forgets to look at it or even do it unless I remind (read tell) her. She gets distracted from the very thing that is supposed to help her to not get distracted.

I realize that I need to do a little more modeling of behavior. The kids pick up my...ahem bad...behavior why do the good stuff too. Lists help me stay organized and remember things I need to do. I love crossing stuff off a list. Making the list is the hard thing. Huh, it appears she is just like me.

So I taped an overhead sheet to my refrigerator and have been making lists on it all morning. Maybe if she sees me doing it she'll want to do it too.

The Tale of Two Baskets ~ Revisited

2010-04-07T08:50:00.002-04:00

I talked to Vicki about this. Actually, she said we needed to talk. Let me get my notes. Yes, I took notes!

For Sweetie Heart who doesn't like to change her clothes. She's a minimalist! Duh! She likes what she likes. At this point she doesn't care what others think, which can also be good. However, she does need to change her clothes. Vicki said I need to sit down with Sweetie Heart and talk to her about her favorite outfit. Acknowledge that it is her favorite and she wants to wear it all the time. But that I am in charge of keeping her clothes clean and I can't do that when she wears it all the time. So if she brings the outfit to me I will make sure it is clean for her to wear. However, if I don't get to it or she doesn't bring it to me after she's worn it twice, she needs to have a backup outfit. She picks out a backup outfit and a second backup outfit. I commit to having at least one of these outfits clean at all times...so long as she brings the outfit(s) to me to be washed.

I talked to Sweetie Heart about that this morning. She got super excited about it! When I told her that I would commit to making sure one of those outfits were clean at all times, she got super excited. In retrospect, I think she had a look of relief on her face. Finally I was getting her! Now this is going to take some changes for me. I usually do laundry twice a week, Mondays lights and Fridays darks and whites. So I will need to schedule out the fill in laundry (towel, sheets etc) for random times during the week and throw her clothes in those loads. And now that I look at it, no wonder she keeps wearing the same clothes even when they are dirty. She wants to keep wearing them, but knows she won't get them back for a week. DUH! Then she still has to wear something else and remember what laundry day it is and what if the outfit is dark and light. Very confusing. So we appear to have worked this out.

For Sweet Girl, the girl of many outfits. Vicki said she has too much to choose from and that she only needs seven outfits. I agree whole heartedly! We just went through her clothes last week. I got rid of a bin full of stuff. We were also doing the switch over though. I think she still has too much stuff. She definitely has more than seven outfits. And seeing as I just folded a big laundry basket full of her clothes Monday it would appear so. So maybe I will have her pick out her seven favorite outfits and see how that goes. I'll probably put stuff in a box and see if she asks for any of it. See what is manageable and what she can keep off the floor.

She's at that age where she loves everything. So when I ask if she likes something and wants to keep it she says, "YES! YES!" That gets us nowhere fast. But then again when I get rid of stuff she doesn't usually ask for it. Maybe she wants to be a minimalist, too. She just doesn't know how to with all the stuff. She also loves gifts, so when people give us their outgrown clothes she wants to keep them. I am grateful for the generosity of my friends and family. I understand that the kids like to have "new" clothes. That means I need to let go of the old stuff. I don't have to save so much stuff. Hurray!!

I like what Lori S. said. When your kids get old enough/ willing to do their own laundry let it go. But Sweet Girl is 4. She does help me do laundry, but does not take the initiative to do it on her own. I don't expect her to at this age. But when she's ready to do that, I'm all for it!

So that's where I am. Great information! Thanks Vicki!!

2010-04-02T07:32:00.000-04:00

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia

Choices & Appreciations

2010-04-01T09:26:00.003-04:00

I just got the smack down from Flockmother yesterday. Not me personally, but I took it to heart. She was talking about school and how her kids navigate the morning routine...or not. At the end of her post she said this:

Ok, here’s the thing about school. Stop pretending that school isn’t a choice. EVERYTHING is a choice. And your kids know it. Every morning when I wake up I choose my marriage, my family, my job, my house, and my pets. I choose my life. Every day. No one is threatening me, tying me up, or pushing me around. I choose, and so do our kids.

How many times have I told Sweetie Heart the not going to school is not a choice? I can't even tell you how many. It was at least three times last week and once this week. When things start getting tough in the morning (ie: she's going to be late, hasn't packed her lunch etc) she starts in on how she doesn't want to go to school, she doesn't like school.

Flockmother has let her kids choose to stay home from school. Yikes! She is a brave, brave woman. I honestly don't know how that would go here. I'm so afraid that Sweetie Heart would like being home all the time. She has said on numerous occasions that she wishes I would home school her. I just don't have the patience to do that. I can recognize that in me. Plus, whenever I try to teach her something she complains and refuses. What do I let her do if she is at home? Do I just let her play with her sister? Do I make her work or stay in bed? Do I call the school and tell them she's not coming? And what reason do I give?

Maybe just the suggestion that she can stay home is enough to get her to go. Maybe it's the fight and the tears and the interaction that she's wanting. I do know that when she is home she just wants me to play with her and I have so many other things that I need to get done I don't have the time or energy to do that. Plus then there is the fighting to get my attention. Hmm. I need to think a bit more about this.

This week's momTV cut out but it was about Problem Solving during Family Meeting. I'm putting up a piece of paper to write down the problems that are coming to me. Sweetie Heart expressed to me that it would be obvious that the problem was with her sister, even if she didn't use her name, because there is only two of them. So smart that girl! I told her she could have a problem with Webby or myself as well. I want her to know she can express problems about her parents as well.

As the parents, we've been using the problem solving to air our complaints. I was reminded that it isn't our time. This time is only for our kids. If we, as parents, have a problem with something our kids are doing then we just need to make it their problem. Webby and I were talking about this last night. Often the kids will come to us and say they don't feel good. They complain about every bump and bruise and minor discomfort. Sweet Girl says she's sick so she needs to eat in the living room and watch movies all day. (We have a family rule that we have pizza & movie night every Friday. We don't watch movies during the week or during the day.) We're thinking that the next time it happens we will scoop them up and take them to their room. Stating that when we are sick or hurt we need to stay in bed and rest. They have the freedom to come out if they are feeling better. This will either become a problem to be solved at family meeting or it will cause extinction of the behavior.

I am also putting up a piece of paper to write down appreciations during the week. Vicki talked about this on momTV (3/9/10). So many times we forget the things we appreciate about our kids and our kids about us when it come family meeting time. So the same things get said over and over again. So we can bring that list to family meeting. The other thing she pointed out is that if you have the list as your kids walk by they see thier name and stop to read what someone appreciates about them. And they say to themselves, "Hey, yeah, I do do that!" or "Someone finally noticed that." Everyone loves to be appreciated. Flockmother had a great experience with this. She also recommended that that we appreciate our spouse at least three times a day. I would say we need to do that for every member of the family, but that probably falls under the Crucial C's.

It should be an exciting week.

What Does It Look Like...?

2010-03-30T14:29:00.002-04:00

Family Meeting last night. Went pretty well. When Sweet Girl thanked Webby for something he hasn't done for awhile (& what she usually says) Webby asked her when he did that. She said, "well, sometimes." I asked her what she appreciated about him that happened this week. She thought of something. We went on to contributions. Last week's momTV was about contributions. So I took some of those tips and used them. I assigned contributions. Yes, I know. I want then to pick them but I'm still getting it together. I assigned Sweetie Heart the kitchen.

SH: What! The kitchen?! What do I have to do??
Me: What does a clean kitchen look like to you?
SH: ::Looks around:: The counters are cleaned off and wiped off. The sink is empty and clean.
Me: And the table?
SH: Cleaned off and wiped.
Me: Okay, that's what you need to do every morning and every night.
SH: I'm not clearing off other people's places!
Webby: I'll still help with the dishes.

I assigned Sweet Girl the bathroom. What does a clean bathroom look like to her?

SG: Scrub the bathtub, clean the toilet and sink. She also added on the trash.

This morning I reminded both girls that they needed to do their contributions. Sweetie Heart grumbled a little. Again stated she wasn't going to clear other people's places. To which I said okay. Sweet Girl said she needed me to teach her how to clean the toilet. She didn't but I humored her. I jumped in the shower while she finished that and cleaned the sink. When I was about to go downstairs Sweetie Heart came up. She said, "Just wait until you see the kitchen!" I want down and man oh man, she did a better job then I do most nights! I told her I appreciated her doing such a great job.

As I was assigning contributions, I assigned Webby floors and dishes. To which he responded. "Great! I loves to do those." Well, love might be a bit strong, but you get the point. I assigned myself the living room. It is the room that gets trashed the most. There is always stray stuff hanging around in there. Webby looked at me and said, "Oh man! I'm glad I didn't get the living room!" I said, "I know. I don't like doing it either, but it's my contribution for the week so I will." Good tip Vicki. Love it!

So this morning was a success! We even got out the door and to school on time! Yeah us!

The Tale of Two Baskets

2010-03-29T15:47:00.006-04:00

I do the laundry. I have a pretty good system going with it. I do light colors on Mondays and do the the whites and darks on Fridays. I fold the clothes coming out of the dryer or off the line and put them in individual baskets for each member of the family. Each member of the family is responsible for putting their own laundry away.

If asked most members of the family will help with parts of doing the laundry. If asked, Sweet Girl will sort the colors, load the washer (front loader), put the soap in, start the laundry, switch the laundry over and turn the dryer on. She needs asked every step of the way, but she is willing most of the time. She doesn't really like to fold or put away. But really that is a ton for a 4 year old! Sweetie Heart can do it, but she complains about it and also needs reminded.

Here's the other thing. See these two laundry baskets? What is different about them?

Hmm, one is almost empty and the other one is full to overflowing you say? You are right.

I have one child who wears the same thing over and over and over again. She even said to me once that she was glad she wore the same thing over and over again so she had less stuff to put away. I then made the 2 day rule, which she doesn't follow through with because it's my rule not hers. She will wear clothes that have visible dirt on them and still insist that they are clean. Anything she takes off she puts on the end of her bed to wear again instead of putting the dirty stuff in the hamper. We recently put the hamper in their room to create an environment for them to put dirty clothes where they belong. It doesn't seem to be working for her.

My other child wears clothes like she's using a tissue. If it gets wet, it's dirty and goes in the hamper. If she decides she wants to wear something different (usually at least once a day) it's goes in the hamper. She also doesn't like putting away her clothes. I was putting her clean clothes basket on the end of her bed. If it wasn't emptied by the next time I did laundry I dumped it on the end of her bed so I could use the basket again. She would put dirty clothes in top of them and then scoop all of them up and dump them into the hamper for me to wash. That makes my blood boil. I washed, dried and folded them and she could even put them away? And then she wanted me to do it again to clean clothes!? It smacks of laziness. So I took her clean laundry away. Yes, yes I know it's controlling. When she was ready to put her all of her clean laundry away she could have them, but she couldn't pick and choose what she wanted from the basket. Problem is she's smart. She would put part of the basket away and then get what she wanted and stop. Then it went to the fact that she didn't have any clothes so she took dirty stuff out of the hamper to wear. Ugh! I had two big baskets of her clothes in my room. Obviously she has too many clothes. She and I went through them last week and got rid of a bin full of stuff. This is to create an environment for her to be able to put her stuff away.

So what am I to do? Do I just let it go? Do I let them do whatever they want with there clothes situation or do I intervene? And by intervene I mean, do I make up some sort of privilege and responsibility around it? I do not want to be picking out their clothes for them. Honestly, I think they would let me and love not having to be responsible for it. So what to do. Vicki...are you there? Are you going to give me some input? Please??

And just because I know you're looking for them. How cute is he??

A Tired Mind

2010-03-29T11:45:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit of a tough week. Too busy, of my own making.

Sweetie Heart hasn't wanted to go to school, probably 3 days out of 5. There have been tears and tantrums. There have been chaos and whining. And yet I have also seen the girls work together. The other morning it was time to leave to take Sweetie Heart to school. Sweet Girl knocked 2 of her 3 coats off the hook and was ready to leave them there (like normal.) Problem is it's right in front of the door. We can't get out of the house with the coats on the floor. Even before I asked Sweet Girl to pick them up, Sweetie Heart reached down and hung them back up. The girls have played together happily.

Last week on momTV, Vicki talked about contributions. This has always been hard for our family. The kids don't especially want to do them, no matter how easy. And I'm tired of being the maid. The girls will do them, but only if I remind them, sometimes repeatedly. Before PonT I had a belief that kids should only be given an allowance if they earned it by doing chores. As I have learned more I agree with Vicki and I give allowance to my kids just for being a member of our family. However, I still wonder when doing contributions will catch on. When will my kids do them without being reminded. I made up an erasable board for Sweetie Heart but she doesn't use it. If she write something on it and walks away she doesn't come back to it to see what she still needs to so.

I really like this PonT blogger. She's using remembery boards. And it seems to be starting to catch on, but like everything it takes time. I'm impatient to see results. I've been reminding so long. When I bring it up to Problem Solve at Family Meeting no one seems to have a solution. I probably need to let the time run out and not give allowance. Maybe then the kids would think about what we can do. If I do get a response it's something like, "remind me__ many times" or "put me in time out if I don't." You can see what's been done in the past. It obviously doesn't work, but they can't think of anything else...it appears. Well, I think they could but they just don't. It seems like if it's going to take any effort on their parts, they don't want to do it.

On to another topic. Saturday dawned early. The only day we get to sleep in is Saturday. Saturday seems to be the only day the girls will wake up early voluntarily. And it usually starts with a fight...naturally. Webby and I do our best to ignore it. This past Saturday went a little like this.

6:15am ~ Mom and Dad still sleeping. Squeak starts talking a little. I hear the bathroom light go on and both girls go in.
Yelling about lights turning on. (They share a room) One wants to sleep longer (SG) and one wants the light on (SH).
Screaming, threatening, crying. Parents stay in bed!
SG comes in crying. Calms herself to say she wants to sleep longer. I ask her if she has a solution. "Rest with you?" she says. Good solution, she gets to climb into our bed.
Bad solution for SH. She starts ordering SG around. Telling her what she has to do because she was trying to find other solutions for the lights (turning them off) which her sister was sabotaging her.
I shut the door.
SH begins to pound on the door. It's early and we live in a duplex. I will not allow her to bother the neighbors this early in the morning.
I back her up into her room. Tell her I not going to allow her to bother the neighbors. And tell her I am ready to listen to her problem when she is ready to talk.
She's bored and doesn't want to be alone. SERIOUSLY?!?
I refrained from lecturing. I explained that her sister wanted to continue to sleep. If she wanted to turn off the light and invite her sister back in she could, but it would be SG's choice if she wanted to come back. Or she could find something else to do.
She decided to do something else. But then it was done.

All this and so much more makes me feel a bit defeated. Yes, some things worked out but it just seems like such a fight sometimes. There are so many things I need to do and I just don't feel like I'm doing anything well right now. It'll get better...I know. It's just hard...again. But then I ran across this post. Just what I needed today.

A Face in Repose ~ Revisited

2010-03-24T21:01:00.002-04:00

The other day Squeak and I were at the library alone. The girls have yet to earn the privilege of going to the library. The responsibilities required to go to the library and check out books are to keep all books put away on the bookshelves or in the library book bin and to be ready to leave a place on time/ when I say.

I digress. Since I have been a volunteer at the library for the past 3 years I know most of the other volunteer and staff. There is this very cute 95 year old woman who volunteers every week. She probably 5'2" tops. I was holding Squeak and looking at books to see if there was anything of interest. Mabel walks past me, smacks me on the butt and says, pleasant as can be, "Get that scowl off your face!" Totally made me laugh!

Even though I am working really hard at smiling more, I still scowl when I'm not consciously smiling. It will take some time to retrain myself to smile. Apparently I need a little old lady to follow me around, smacking me on the butt to remind me not to scowl.

More About Money

2010-03-18T13:52:00.002-04:00

As much as I hate the consumerism I see in my kids at times, I still love giving them the money. I just remembered why when I read this post.

When we started giving the kids money a year ago I made it very clear that they could use their money on whatever they wanted. I took them up to the drug store and they bought candy, candy and more candy for a few weeks. I also made it clear to Sweetie Heart that if she wanted hot lunch at school it came from her allowance. If she wanted to order a book from the book order it came from her allowance. If she wanted to give her friend a present for her birthday or give Valentine's at school that would come from her allowance or she could get creative. The choice has been given.

And a choice has been made. This year Sweetie Heart decided that she didn't want to give Valentine's for the class party (her teacher said they could bring them if they wanted to. She didn't want to!) She went to a birthday party for a friend. She decided to look through our books to see if there was one she could give to her friend (I've done this in the past) and then decided to just give her friend $5 cash in the card she made. The mother of the friend tried to give the money back to Sweetie Heart. She didn't want her daughter to take it because the money was Sweetie Heart's. But she held her ground and said she wanted her friend to have the money. She hasn't eaten hot lunch much this year because she either hasn't had the money or she wants something else more. Funny too, at the beginning of the school year she said to me, "If I forget my lunch, can I charge my lunch and pay the bill when it comes?" Why yes, yes you can!

I also have to say, the kids don't beg for stuff so much anymore. Sweetie Heart is understanding better how to get what she wants, when she wants it. She is saving more and is much more thoughtful about her money. But buying books is still her weakness. Don't know where she gets that...ahem!

I also explained that if they broke something that belonged to someone else they would have to replace it. That actually happened to Sweet Girl. She was playing with Sweetie Heart's Barbie and broke the head off. She didn't yank the head off. The neck was probably already starting to break, but she was playing with it when it broke. She said, "Oops!" Actually it was really funny when it happened. I had to stifle a laugh. I said, "Oops, you'll have to buy a new one with your money." And she said okay. That was it. I was thinking there would be more of a fight, with a tantrum from Sweetie Heart about the broken Barbie and a tantrum from Sweet Girl for having to spend her money to replace it. I got none of it! Natural consequences at there best. I HATE those big stores. I could have ordered it online but I felt it was important to take her to the store and have her pick out the new Barbie and buy it with her money. So we did. And it was hard for her to go in to Toys R Us and just buy the Barbie for her sister and nothing for herself. But she did it!

Money

2010-03-17T13:43:00.002-04:00

Yes, this week is about money management. I have to say that is hard to give my kids money knowing that they will probably spend in on crap or candy. I just don't need more crap in the house! It's really hard to watch my kids just spend and spend their money and then not have the money for stuff later.

That said, I have seen some amazing generosity from Sweetie Heart. We have focused on teaching the kids about tithing. So after we give the allowance we give them tithing slips and help them fill them out. We give 10% off the top as tithing. There is then places for different things; fast offering (to give to the needy in our church), missionary fund (we have 2 friends on missions right now. She contributes a little for each of them), temple building, humanitarian aid (which the church uses to help those effected by natural disasters and poverty all over the world), and perpetual education (which helps those in 3rd world countries go to get training so that they can support themselves and their families and then give back to help others.)

I have seen her give all of her money to the church. And she does it with a grin. I must say that I have a hard time with it. I know..I know. I should be encouraging it. And I am, but it's hard not to remind her that there won't be any more money until the next week. And if she wants something then she won't have any money. I have seen her make bad choices and then recognize that they were, as she said a waste of money!

Now she is now focusing on saving her money for a guitar. She received %50 for Christmas and has been saving that. She's adding to it a little at a time from her allowance and dips into it as her desire for something arises. This is a big ticket item. Webby and I have talked about it. Part of us wants to help her buy it to encourage her to play an instrument. Yet, I want her to save for it so that she is dedicated to playing it. It also gives her time to decide if she really wants it. I am willing to pay for lessons if she will practice. I feel like if she buys it, then she will be more apt to practice. She's saving since Christmas and still isn't even close.

I have to say, this is a hard concept for me. This money is just given, they don't have to earn it. And yes, I know that this is a better time to make mistakes with money. But giving them money and then watch them buy stuff I won't is hard. Plus, if we don't have the money in the house for the allowance we tend to forgo Family Meeting. We didn't have Family Meeting for close to two months because we didn't have the money for allowance. We're back on it and working at it but it's still hard.

On the up side, I have had a good experience with the kids and money.

A couple of weeks ago, Sweetie Heart and I went to a local resale shop. I had two boxes of clothes for them to buy and put on store credit and a little left on credit from last time. we were talking about spending money. I told her that some people like to go shopping. She asked me why. I said they think it's fun. Here is what she said to me. Well, they are going to have to figure out what they need and what they don't. Because, you know, their parents aren't going to just keep sending them money every week when they are college just so they can spend it. Very astute for a 7 year old.

Just last week, Sweet Girl was playing with the scotch tape. Just peeling it off and taping her clothes and stuff. I don't like that kind of waste, but I was letting it go. I said, I can see you really like tape! You know we could go to the dollar store and you could buy 3 rolls of tape for a dollar and they would be just yours. Wow, she got excited about that!! She ran and got her purse and counted out $5. She said, I could get 5 tapes! I said, You could get 15 tapes for that! She was even more excited by that prospect. We got there, and can I tell you I hate. those. stores. I like them for tape, envelopes, shower curtains, but that's about it. We walked in and it was all about the stuff. She kept grabbing stuff like pedicure sets, wooden letter, and incense sticks. She didn't even know what she was grabbing...it was just stuff to buy. Heaven help me, I have a consumer! I admit I told her no on all the extra stuff she didn't even know what it was. I got us in and out as fast as we could. She bought 1 box of tapes and asked me to help her open all 3 of them, which I did. I put her name on them so we don't get them mixed up with the family tape. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Hmm, have to think about that. I caught her taping up her face that evening. But it is her tape she can do whatever she wants with it. She keeps it in her sock drawer, by the way.

Morning Routine

2010-03-09T09:31:00.002-05:00

Our morning routine...well usually it bites. No, really. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to get it all done. My girls tend to get distracted, don't keep track of the time and don't/ are not able to do two things at once. I see the clock tick down, knowing that when it's time to leave there will be a tantrum, screaming, self depreciation (I hate myself statements) and general chaos.

So instead of staying out of it and keeping my mouth shut, I begin to nag, remind, badger, order around... you get the picture. And then all of the things I was trying to avoid (see above list) happen anyway and there is usually crying and "I don't want to go to school" stuff, as well.

I know that I cannot be trusted to keep my mouth shut in the morning. So I've been trying to figure out what to do about it. We have a baby in the house. That, in and of itself ,is a great reason to NOT be downstairs for the morning routine. However, the girls keep coming upstairs to talk to me, ask me questions, say they don't know what to have for breakfast/ lunch, she touching me... the list goes on. Things aren't going well then either. Do they really need me there? Maybe.

I've done the tape thing, but that makes Sweetie Heart crazy. Just seeing it darkens her mood. I know why. If I'm not talking then I not reminding her what needs to be done and how much time etc. Plus then they ask questions I should answer, so I have to take it off, then it doesn't stick as well, so then I'm wasting the tape...blah, blah, blah.

I was talking to a friend from church the other day. She has a large family with seven kids from ages 8 to 20. I asked her how she trained her kids. One thing she said really struck me. She said the morning sets the tone for her family. They always have breakfast together. In the morning they come together ready for the day. They read scriptures, have family prayer and eat breakfast together. Her kids know that when they come down they need to be ready to walk out of the house for the day after they eat. She does home school the elementary school age kids, but they still have to be ready for schooling to start after they eat. If one member of the family has to leave early for something, then the whole family gets up earlier to have this family time together.

I brought that home to Webby and we talked about it. It felts right, a big change though. I have been struggling to get out of bed. I have been struggling to get things done and to feel like I am accomplishing things. I set the tone for the day and it hasn't been pretty. So we decided that was the thing to do. Starting this week. I've been pulling myself out of bed at 5am to be ready for the day. The kids are up earlier. We are uniting spiritually in the mornings. As an added bonus there is more time to have a non-rushed morning. I'm not nagging, etc because I can look at the clock and see there is plenty of time! The girls are fighting less. I am with them in the morning talking and connecting. They have time to play with the baby. And we've been walking out the door earlier then ever. It's only been two days, I know, but this just feels right. As hard as the change is, it's so worth it if this is how it changes our family!

I guess that's another aha moment!

A Face in Repose

2010-03-08T14:50:00.002-05:00

I've been busy the last couple of days setting up environments for my kids to succeed. I'm moving stuff around. Doing my best to make the things that I have work. I'm kicking myself for not picking up that free desk on the curb the other day. It would have been perfect! I even tried to get it in the van but it wouldn't fit without me moving the kids around. I just couldn't do that right then. When I went back an hour later it was gone.

I'm looking for bunk beds for the girls room. There is no space for them to play in there at all. There is literally a foot of space between their beds and Sweet Girls mattress in on the floor. If we ever find one that is inexpensive enough for us, we will need another dresser, too. I would like to find one big one. But all of this stuff costs money and we don't have much to spare right now. I looking on craigslist right now. I have always hated the idea of bunk beds...you know the whole falling off and breaking arms and stuff. But Sweetie Heart broke her arm when she feel down a hill so I think I can navigate that if it were to happen again.

I am taking the Parenting on Track class again live. Vicki's not teaching it this time but she trained 4 women how to teach the program so I'm going to attend that while also watching the program Vicki's doing on momTV. I'm fully into this right now. Up to my ears immersed in it and I'm loving it.

This week at church we had a lesson about being a peacemaker. The challenge went out to be a peacemaker in your home for 1 week. We went so far as to challenge the young women I work with to do it for a month. We'll be checking in weekly to see what they are doing and how it is changing their family life. I am doing that too. I know that a lot of the tension in my home comes from me. I get stressed and my mood changes everyone. I am making a conscious effort to smile more. When you smile or frown it changes the way you feel. Read Blink to understand this better. My face in repose tends to frown, so I consciously have to lift my eyebrows and lips to smile. It really is helping though.

I'm Back

2010-03-06T19:45:00.002-05:00

Not sure why I'm not blogging right now. I think maybe it's because I'm going crazy, but that's a different post.

The last two weeks we have been working on Encouragement (as in to instill courage) and Privileges and Responsibilities.

I'm finding it a bit easier to not praise but to encourage instead. When I first started I would praise and then ask questions, so as to encourage the girls. Funny though, Vicki says it's hard for kids to stop getting praise, they seek it because it is given so often. I have found that I have a heard time not giving it. I am doing better. Asking how and what questions. I especially like asking what they like about whatever and asking what they would do different. It really goes deep into how they feel and them learning that they can change the way they do things.

Privileges and Responsibilities are harder for me. I know I let my kids to way too much stuff. It's almost like I feel like I should let my kids do all the things they want to do, even when their actions don't show me they are ready to do them.

Here is my list of Privileges that they haven't earned:

play dates
going to the library
checking out books from the library
going out to eat
doing things after school (art class, after school program)

Admittedly, I enjoy going to the library, so often we go for me. But we don't have to go. I have plenty to do without going to the library every week. Sweetie Heart doesn't even participate in story time. She hangs out in the librarian's office and then comes out for the craft at the end.

We have been working on how to sit at a table and what is acceptable behavior when we are eating, but we can't seem to get past the sitting in your chair thing. Often Sweet Girl stands/ squats on her chair, next to her chair or through her chair (folding chair.) Sweetie Heart sits on her feet or on the edge of her booster seat. Oh and did I mention she just started belching at the table. NICE!

It only seems fair that we sit down with the kids and tell them they are going to have to start being responsible to earn their privileges. I feel like I should write it down so that they can go look at the list and know what they need to do. We should probably all sit down together so we can make the list and everyone is on the same page. Because I know that when kids help make the rules it is easier to hold them accountable.

I am reading The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary Chapman. It is very enlightening on how children (and all people) receive love differently. If I know their primary love language then I can fill their love tanks. I gave the girls the test today (found in the back of the book.) Sweetie Heart is physical touch and Sweet Girl is receiving gifts. That must be why Sweetie Heart is always touching me and Sweet Girl is always giving stuff to people. I don't agree with Dr. Chapman's description of encouraging words. Mostly because what he describes is praise not encouragement. Otherwise I find the book very insightful and it is helping me to connect with my kids better.

I guess that's all for now. We are all alive and kickin' (sometimes against the pricks.)

Vicki's away this weekend at a Mom's Retreat this weekend. I so wish I could go! It looks like so much fun and learning. And it would be great to get to hang out with a bunch of other mom's committed to using the Parenting on track Program. There is another one in 2 weeks. If you live in New England and want to attend sign up here. If you don't live in New England and want to sponsor me just let me know!

Because I Know You Just Can't Get Enough!

2010-02-22T17:39:00.002-05:00

Here's Squeak almost 6 months old now. He's changing so much!

Grace

2010-02-22T17:21:00.003-05:00

I am sitting here at the computer listing to Taylor Swift's Breathe, a baby sleeping on my chest in the Ergo, the girls upstairs in the bath playing together and I'm crying. Why? Because I have been blessed with so much grace today. We worked together. We played together. We've loved each other. It's been an amazing day.

I let go of today the way Vicki has been encouraging me to do. And you know what? Today has gone so well. Grace.

Welcome to Parenting On Track™

2010-02-17T09:28:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Parenting On Track™

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Weeks 5: The Road Map & Week 6: The Crucial C's

2010-02-17T09:25:00.004-05:00

Week 5: The Road Map!

This is a technique that will help you both get to where you want to go. I'm making some up right now. I'll post pictures when I'm done. Vicki offered Forum members a teleclass! This totally explained the Road Map so much better to me. I think I actually understand it now. It can be used to train on a small and large scale. Basically, it just setting long and short term goals and taking time to celebrate a long the way. So simple and yet it has had me a bit confused.

Week 6: The Crucial C's

This is one of my favorite strategies. When I went through the program the first time and practiced this I saw immediate results! It's about taking the time to connect with your kids on a daily basis. It's about helping them to feel capable. It's about helping them to see that their contribution to the family is not just nice but essential for the home to run smoothly. It's about courage and helping them to know that you have faith in them and what they can do, no matter how hard.

It also takes time for me to do this. I have to use my Road Map to make my plan on how I'm going to do this. But when I give up all the nagging, reminding, badgering etc, then I have the time to focus on the Crucial C's! I'll let you know how it goes.

The Crucial Cs were developed by Drs. Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew. For additional information on this topic, please visit http://www.connexionspress.com/books.htm

In other news, I think Squeak has food allergies. Very sad, but I'm seeing the signs and am talking action. Most of you know that Sweet Girl had some pretty severe food allergies that started almost at birth. Squeak is getting some of the same symptoms...facial rash, patches of eczema on his back, arms and legs. I talked to the doctor and she recommended that I do an elimination diet, which was what I had planned to do. I'm eliminating all the things Sweet Girl was allergic to. Not too much; eggs, dairy, nuts, beef. The beginning is always the toughest. It's the, What do I eat, now? question. I've done it before so here I go. Wish us luck!

Sweetie Heart has decided that she wants to play the guitar. So she is now saving her money to buy on. She has a bit from Christmas that she has saved. We went to the music store and she held one. She really wants it now, but Webby and I talked about it and have agreed that her saving her money for it and having to delay gratifacation is the right thing to do. We will pay for her lessons once she gets one. I've already looked in to lessons locally.

Sweet Girl started doing art classes at a local art studio that is run by a friend. She has really been enjoying it. Next session she will be doing a Pirate Art class. She is very excited about it. She loves pirates! My sister-in-law sent a pirate costume and Sweet Girl dressed up as one for Halloween!

Welcome to Parenting On Track™

2010-02-07T19:35:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have not seen her and for those of you who follow her like an obsessed person (ahem), here is another opportunity to learn from Vicki.
Thursday, February 18 at 8pm.

Go here, watch and register. What better way to spend 60 minutes than with my BFF. See you there!

Welcome to Parenting On Track™

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Week 4: Four Mistaken Goal of Behavior

2010-02-05T09:11:00.002-05:00

This is a great week full of discovery! Vicki's explanation will be better than anything I have to say. Inn essence it comes down to this. Kids do what they do to get our attention. Kids don't care what kind of attention they get or how they get it. So the act up and act out to get our attention.

Kids want to belong. They want to know where they fit in the family. Here are four ways they do it.

Undue Attention
Power
Revenge
Assumed Inadequacy/ Avoidance

The assignment for the week is to observe how I feel when my kids use one of these behaviors.
The question for the week is, "How does understanding my feelings about my child’s behavior, change the way I see situations?"

So I wrote down the list and have been keeping track for how my kids attention seeking behavior makes me feel. I mist say, there are things that I am able to ignore pretty well. It doesn't push my buttons anymore. But I'm aware of that and am still keeping track of when that tactic is being used. So far what I am seeing is this. Both of the girls mostly use undue attention and power. Sweetie Heart uses power more often and will slip into revenge and assumed inadequacy/ avoidance but that has only happened a couple of times this week. Sweet Girl use undue attention the most, power occasionally and usually with her sister. Revenge and avoidance has only been used a few times in her life (she's only 4) and interestingly in the last couple of months.

Being aware of my feelings when they do these things is helping me to see what they are trying to get out of me. It all comes back to attention. One of the things Vicki said that really struck me, like a brick to the forehead, is this, "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child." So my children are discouraged and want to know they have a place in my heart. But the things they do make me push them away and they become more discouraged.

So now I'm wondering, how do you ignore the weed and at the same time encourage them that they have place when they using one of the four mistaken goals of behavior? I'm thinking the answer might be, that we need to encourage them when they are not in that place and ignore the weed when they are.

This is the last week of discovery. I have learned so much about myself. I have broken down so many on my own roadblocks. I have delved deeper into my own issues. I am understanding myself better and am realizing why I behave the way I do. And, hopefully, I'm becoming better. I slip back but I'm doing the best I can to step forward into what really works.

The real work is about to start. Fasten your seat belts!

Get a Tissue

2010-02-04T08:31:00.002-05:00

Here's another wonderful message. Good luck keeping your eyes dry.

Here's what I am realizing. As I let go of my control. Look deeper at the way I am and why. I am discovering who I can be....who I want to be. That person is different. That person laughs more, loves stronger and enjoys the moment because she knows it is the moments that make a life truly fulfilling. Like the message in the video, the events are great but the ordinary, everyday is the stuff is miraculous. And too soon you are saying goodbye and welcome to adulthood and still worrying if you prepared them enough. We spend so much time protecting them and holding them back when they are young. Trying to keep them young, when in fact, from the day they are born they are moving away from you. Now is the time to teach and encourage and love to the fullest. And as we let go and teach we pull our children closer because they trust that we are not going to hold them back.

What You're Doing Matters

2010-02-03T09:15:00.000-05:00

Wanted to share this with all the moms out there!

Control...

2010-02-02T12:41:00.002-05:00

or lack there of. That's what I have. I have this need for control. I think I already said that. But here's the thing, I, for some reason, want to control the kids. I want them to do what I say. And I want them to control themselves, even though they have never been taught. And yet I don't control myself. When My kids get mad I want them to act rationally, but I don't. I expect more from them then I do from myself. If I want them to change, I am going to have to change first. Where I lead they will follow, it's worked so far, just in the negative.

Vicki has called me on the carpet a few times about my control issues. She won't give me the answers on how to fix the kids. She told me it's about me and I need to get to the bottom of that before things are going to change. So here it goes.

A- Children manipulating/ trying to control each other
B- Children who are controlling are mean, selfish, bossy. They will seek out and take advantage of those who are weaker than they are. People won't want to be their friends. They may even be evil. They have deep seated issues that make them miserable so they seek to have others miserable with them.
B- Parents of controlling children either are also controlling or have no control over their children. They are door mats and give their children everything they want or they make their children feel bad about everything. They are pushing their issues onto their children.
C- I get mad and lecture how" no one will want to play with you." Use "how would it feel if it were yous." And ironic enough, manipulate back.
D- I'm a controlling person and I have friends. This is a person how knows what they want and looks for ways to get it. They are good a delegating (well not me so much) and working with others. They may even be able to compromise with others for a desired result. Controlling my children will set them up for some really hard lessons AND they will be more likely to be influenced by their peers instead of influencing them
E- Not so bad of a future. I'm not a bad person, but I do need to let go of my own issues, so as to not pass them on. Controlling my kids will not get me my desired result, which is a close relationship with my children.

I've been working on it. Here's another example of letting go. Mondays and Wednesdays are long days. Webby has school so it's just me and the kids in the evenings. That can be trying. I have a tendency to say no when the kids ask me if they can make something in the kitchen, especially if it's while I'm making dinner. Mostly it's because they need help and I'm busy doing something else. I'm on a very tight evening schedule, with dinner at 5pm and bedtime at 7pm!

Mondays Sweetie Heart meets with her mentor after school. So that means I go pick her up an hour before dinner. Yes, I know 5pm is early for most people, but it works for us. Anyways here's how it went.

Me- Do you want to make a Wacky Cake when we get home?
SH- No, will you make it?
Me- No I need to make dinner when we get home. I won't have time.
SH- Is there any other dessert?
Me- No
SH- Well, I guess I'll make it then.
Me- You don't have to.
SH- But I want dessert, so I guess I'll make it.

My assumption is that we will get home and she will make it in plenty of time to have dinner on the table at 5pm. Nope! She did her homework, played and then came in at 4:40pm ready to make the cake. Now in the past I've said no dice. You wasted your time doing other things. Now it's too late. Tough cookies. Well...I don't usually say tough cookies, but I defiantly give out that vibe. But yesterday I didn't. I said okay...go for it. And she did. I did help minimally, explaining measuring and getting high stuff down, but other wise she did it. She's don't it before, so that's why I made the suggestion in the first place. She made a mess and cleaned it up. Dinner was on the table 20 minutes late, but who cares. They still got to bed on time and even if they didn't what's the big deal. I need to stop sending the message that I can't wait for them to go to bed. I need to stop sending the message that I don't have time to teach them or that they can do things when they learn to do it right and right on time. I need to be flexible and go with the flow. I need to let them know I have time and want to be with them. And even when they make a mess it's no big deal, messes can be cleaned up.

Funny, too. Yesterday evening went very smoothly. The girls didn't fight much. They did the things they needed to, mostly without my reminding (I'm working on it) and we all went to be happy.

How's that Vicki? Did I miss anything?

2009 in Review

2010-02-02T09:33:00.003-05:00

You might have seen most of these already. But here are two slide shows for our 2009 year! Enjoy!

Week 3: Take Time for Training

2010-01-30T13:35:00.004-05:00

I've been light on blogging this week. Seems everyone doing the program with Vicki on momTV is blogging light, too. This week is mostly about observation. Luck for me since my sister and her family was here. As an added bonus all five kids got sick, one right after the other. And then my sister got sick. Blah, no fun!

Go here to read Vicki's introduction to the week.

These are quotes that Vicki said on the show and posted on her blog. They all make so much sense to me.

“If they can walk, they can work.” Vicki

“Never do for a child, what he can do for himself.” – Dreikurs

“Work is worth.” – Roosevelt

Here are the questions that I need to ask myself and then sit back and observe:

What can your children do, that they will do? (Remember, no interfering from you)
What can your children do, that they don’t do?
What can’t your children do because they haven’t been trained?

Tough questions. Here's what I have learned this week. My kids can do a lot of things and when left to their own devises they will, especially if they want it now! However, I have created monsters who need to be reminded about almost everything. It's hard to say what they can do and will do, because I step in and remind far to often. So now they don't have to remember anything, so they don't even bother trying. Okay, maybe this is a bit of a generalization, but it's mostly true. There are also lots of things they haven't been trained to do and some how I expect that they should know how to do them.

I have a few mantras. A couple of years ago I ran across the quote:

KEEP CALM
AND
CARRY ON

I made up a bunch of small signs and have them hanging all over my house. It is a reminder to me, when I am about to loos it.

This year my new mantra is:

TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING

It has occurred to me that when my children ask for help it's because they want to engage me. So if I say, "Let me teach you" or put my hands over theirs and guide them, I am interacting with them and teaching them at the same time. Sweet Girl has even begun to ask me to teach her things. And that just seems right somehow. If I can raise children who ask when they want to learn something or don't know how to do something then I am raising adults who do the same and the sky is the limit!

2010-01-24T20:32:00.002-05:00

Lateness. I hate being late. Like really hate being late. When I was single I was able to control that. I could show up early. No one knew how long I sat in my car waiting for the appropriate time to show up. I used to show up a whole class period early and sit outside my classroom when I was in college. I have control issues. I need to ABCDE it.

Then I got married and it got messy. Webby's history was not one of timeliness. He underestimated time and how long it would take to do something and then we'd be late for things. But I survived. I did take some liberties in telling him when we needed to be some place. But he has changed a lot and timeliness has become important to him as well.

Enter kids! Now that's throwing a wrench into things. Everything takes longer when you have kids. And babies add an additional 20-60 minutes on to my departure time. It makes things hard for my controlling self. And now that I'm doing my best to have the kids do for themselves it's really hard to get out the door on time. It was so much easier to just do it myself. But then I just get so tired of the kids blaming me that I didn't bring what they wanted and it takes so much time to pack all those bags.

Here's my biggest problem. Church! Yes, I said church. I enjoy going to church. But getting to church can be a bit of a problem. Webby has to be at church early for meetings, so it is just me and the 3 kids on Sundays. It. Is. Really. Hard. It is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut in the mornings. I am continually reminding my kids they need to get stuff done, asking my kids if they have everything, telling them they only have so many more minutes. It is so aggravating. And all I end up doing is working myself and the kids up. I have yanked the kids out of the house and into the car screaming. But the dawdling (button) makes me crazy. Sweet Girl has the tendency to do anything she doesn't need to be doing and waiting until the last minute to get herself together. Then I say let's go and she screams! (button)

So last week I decided I was going to let it go. I am supposed to be at church a bit early. But that just isn't going to happen. I would reflect on the morning as I was driving to church thinking how crazy it was that things were going the way they were. How in the world can I feel the spirit when I am so angry? What am I teaching my kids by yelling at them all the way to church? And so last week I let it go. I decided that we would get there when we get there. And we were late, but not by much (only 15 minutes). And again this week we were late. But you know what, being late isn't so bad. And we have had nice rides to church. I just get ready and wait in the car when I'm ready. When the kids are ready they come out to the car and then we go. No fighting. No screaming. No badgering.

Trading timeliness for peace is so worth it!

2010-01-22T14:34:00.002-05:00

All this thinking about my buttons (and goats) has me thinking. I've been doing the ABCDE of my goats and have gotten really far with that. It really does help to re frame the activating event. When I do it helps me to see how those things that bother me the most are also assets to my children. They are the things that will help them to be strong as teenagers and adults. They are the things that will help them to assert themselves as leaders and not allow themselves to be swayed by their peers.

The other thing that occurred to me, my aha moment, is that my children have their buttons, too. Never thought of that before now. That started me thinking about the things that I do that aggravate my children. For Sweet Girl it is saying just a minute. She knows it's going to be more than a minute, I know it's going to be more than a minute. Still I do lip service and she gets aggravated, rightfully so. I ask Sweetie Heart what hers was. She said when I keep saying the same thing over and over and over again. Admittedly, I do badger her...a lot. So I need to be aware of that and change. Of course, I shouldn't be badgering anyway.

Nuff said!

2010-01-21T09:33:00.002-05:00

So I found a new goat. My oldest wears the same clothes almost every day. Last year, I made a 2 day rule. If it's been worn for 2 days or is dirty after 1 day it needs to go in the hamper. I know it's interfering, so I haven't been nagging as much about it. More like sighing to myself and looking away.

From birth until Sweetie Heart was in the kindergarten I didn't really let her pick her own clothes out. She could pick out part and then I would pick out something that matched with it. She became very discouraged in kindergarten because I would have her pick out her own clothes and then I would "check" to make sure it matched. If it didn't I'd tell her why it didn't and make her do it again. A very good friend of mine told me to let it go. She said, "Sweetie Heart is an artist. T|Let her express herself whatever way she wants." And so I let it go. I don't always like it but I let it be.

Wearing clean mismatched clothes is one thing. But wearing dirty clothes just really gets to me. I know she has her favorite clothes to wear, who doesn't! But wearing them everyday even when they are dirty upsets me. She has worn the same outfit for at least 7 out of the last 10 days. She has put it in the hamper, because it's dirty and she knows it, just to take it out again the next day and say it wasn't really dirty. Did I mention it's a white, long sleeve shirt. Today I put my foot done. The sleeves are gray. I haven't even had the chance to wash it because she won't leave it in the laundry long enough to have it washed. It has holes in the sleeves that she pokes her fingers through and makes them bigger. I try to keep it at least mended, but can't do that when she won't take it off long enough. I'm not sure why but I won't mend it until it's washed.

A(ctivating event) ~ wearing dirty clothes & wearing the same thing every day
B(elief) ~ children who wear dirty are unhygienic and their bodies are dirty
B(elief) ~ parents who have children how wear dirty clothes are dirty, don't care about their children & have no concept nor teach hygiene
C(onsequence) ~ I tell her she has to go change, make her feel bad about not being able to tell on her own that something is dirty, she then complains that she doesn't have anything to wear (despite her full to over flowing drawer of clothes)
D(isputation) ~ no that stuff isn't true. people see me all the time and can see I'm not a dirty person. But I've seen people who look clean but live in filth. not teaching the hygiene thing...well not sure about that. but having to remind her to bathe, change her underwear and change her clothes gets old. *not caring what other people think is good, she won't be swayed by others?
E(ncourage yourself) ~ this too shall pass. she will become aware, at some point, that she does care how she looks to other people. hmm *.

Oh and did I mention she doesn't brush her hair.

That's all!

2010-01-20T12:36:00.003-05:00

What's that blasted goat doing back here! Really, I had it hidden but then it came wandering back.

Yesterday was great. I hide my goats and all went well. But this morning it came wandering back.

We went to the school to see Sweetie Heart in a play her class was doing. She did great! I'll see if I can upload it, but I haven't had much success so far. Anyway, after the show was over it was time to go home. Webby needed to get to work and the rest of us just needed to get home. Sweet Girl loves going to the school. There are so many great things. She didn't get into preschool this year, which is too bad, but Sweetie Heart didn't go to preschool either and is doing just great! Webby told Sweet Girl it was time to get going. She ignored him and kept playing. I got Squeak ready and again told her it was about time to leave. I got ready and Webby was ready to walk out without her. And in entered my goat. She saw it and took a bite. She started to scream! She screamed, "Don't leave without me!" Now we're in the school. There are lots of kids not the mention the teachers all around having to listen to my 4 year old scream. So I helped her a little, but then she started dawdling again so I got up and said let's go. She started screaming again. I took her by the hand and told her she can scream outside if she needed to. She grabbed her coat and mittens and out we went with her still screaming. So there she is screaming outside with only her snow pants and boots on. Luckily it's not too cold out today. I want to adequately represent the world to my children. I had to take a minute to look at her through someone else's eyes. What would someone else do? We walk. I start to coddle. Webby reminds me to keep walking. I suggested she stop, put the stuff on and catch up. Don't think I was supposed to do that, oops. She screams for me to stop and wait while she does it. She gains a bit of control of herself and asks again. What to do? On the one hand we already waited for her. On the other hand she calmed herself and asked. Well, we chose to keep walking. She walked home (only 4 blocks) carrying her coat and mittens. When we came in the house she said she was cold. She said she wanted to wear her coat. Webby told her that we will always give her enough time to put her coat on. I asked her what she would do different next time. She said, "Not keep playing."

A(ctivating Event) ~ Screaming
B(elief) ~ Children who scream draw attention to themselves to manipulate their parents to do what they want, and to make their parents looks bad.
B(elief) ~ Parents who have kids who scream don't have control over their kids and are bad parents.
C(onsequence) ~ I get angry, I help/save, I threaten (but don't always follow through)
D(isputation) ~ The real truth is that she screams to get my attention. She is seeing if it will get me what she wants me to. It also means that if something is happening to her that she doesn't like she will do what she needs to to get attention. That is actually a good thing when it comes to this scary world she live in. That means she will not be a victim.
E(ncourage Yourself) ~ When she screams I will.... Not sure what.... Vicki? (Is that cheating?)

I'm going to go hide that goat again. I'd really like to get rid of him all together. Time! It's all about time.

Week 2: Buttons! What Buttons?

2010-01-19T13:22:00.002-05:00

Last week was a bit tough for me. This week stands to be better.

So this week we talked about our buttons. You know the ones, the ones you kids push to get to you. Here's what Vicki has to say about that. And she's totally right. We don't really have buttons, but we like to blame our bad behavior on something. There are things that send me into orbit though.

My favorite part if the show last night was the analogy about the goats. LOVED IT!! So here it is, because I think it stands to be repeated. We all have goats. Goats are those things that send you into orbit. The thing that makes you irrational. The thing that makes you, the parent, miss behave. Now here is what Vicki said about the goats. "Don't tell your kids where you goats are tied. If you do they will eat them. Not only will they eat them, they will do it with lots of people watching." I love it.

Need an example? Okay, here's my example, completely hypothetical.

Suppose my goat is...oh, I don't know...screaming. Now let's just say that you've told your red headed daughter that you can't stand screaming. Now she knows where your goat is tied. So here you are at the grocery store. She wants something. You say no. She begs (not a goat, no biggie) you ignore it. She whines (maybe a small goat, but still manageable) you take a deep breathe and continue to ignore her. Then she starts screaming that she wants it! It's not fair! She never gets anything! Oh and there are tears, too. Now everyone is looking at you, or at least you feel that way. You feel like you're disturbing the other shoppers. There is no way you're leaving without your groceries because you're almost done and you'd just have to go back again with said munchkin. So what do you do. She's eating your goat right there in the grocery store. Of course, that puts me...I mean you as the hypothetical parent...at choice. You threaten to leave (she knows you won't), you threaten to take something else away (completely irrelevant to her behavior), you give in and give it to her (totally the point of the screaming), or you continue to ignore her and keep moving.

Vicki's example was a lot shorter. And she's laughing while she tells it. I love listening to Vicki laugh! Go watch it! Click menu, watch videos and then watch the post from 1/19/10.

I have a whole herd of goats. Here are a few that I have figured out.

screaming, pounding on doors, temper tantrums
playing first and then getting frustrated (tantrum) when you don't have time to do your work that needs done
miss use of time, dawdling and then panicking when you run out of time
saying you can't find something when you haven't looked, going into a room glancing around and giving up and saying you can't find it, even when it is in front of your nose
when asked to find a solution to a problem, saying "I don't know" even before you've thought about it
sarcasm

I think I need to pasture some of these goats. Maybe even let them run away. I definitely need to move them. It just seems like every time I do they come back. Especially when I'm tired and don't have back up.

What are your goats?

Love this clip!

Fertilizer

2010-01-17T19:46:00.002-05:00

This is week one. Do Nothing, Say Nothing. The purpose of this is to see what your kids can do, and how they handle you not doing what you always do. It is also to see how you interfere. And boy do I interfere all. the. time.

This has been a rough week. At first it was met with, "hurray, it a free week!" Free week? What's that? Free as in I can do whatever I want. I can stay up as late as I want. I reminded Sweetie Heart that also meant that I wasn't going to be reminding her of all the things she needed to do. Then she just got scared and discouraged. I had to reminder her that I wasn't going to stop helping or talking to her. I was just going to stop interfering. I theory that is.

Vicki says, " Our children consistently do what works. Parents consistently do what does not work." I, for one, completely agree. She says the way we react to our children's "bad" behavior is fertilizer. And that fertilizer feeds the weed.

For example, let's say you have a child who whines, theoretically of course. Whenever your daughter, I mean child, whines you say, "I can't understand whining" or "Let's use our big girl voices." That all is fertilizer to the weeds. They continue to do what works. They know that when they whine they will get attention. So we need to stop talking and making any contact when our children do those things so as to get them to stop. That is what we want anyway right? That is why we stop and talk to them, so they will stop or start doing something.

Let me just say, I am full of fertilizer. Just plain full of it. I cannot. stop. taking. Needless to say I had a hard time. So did the girls. What did happen is that they went to all ends to get our attention. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. I saw somethings that had been gone for awhile. I saw things that have never happened before. Sometimes I held my ground and sometimes I spilled fertilizer everywhere!

I learned that I am getting in the way of my children's learning. I have interfered so much they think they need to come to me for everything. And I mean everything. It gets tiring, but it's my own fault.

Now how to fix it. Watch to Monday night at 9pm Eastern or the replay whenever on momTV.
Here's the link to the blog from last week. If you look down at the comments you'll see my really long one, followed by Vicki telling me to shut my trap, in a kind way of course. But we're BFF's so she can tell me to shut my trap and I won't go cry in the corner.

See you tomorrow night in the momTV chat!

Attention Please!!

2010-01-04T13:15:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to post about this awesome event, but we have been having so much fun over the Christmas break I just haven't made the time to do so. But here I am at the 11th hours posting.

Vicki from Parenting on Track is going to be teacher her 12 week program through momTV. It will start tonight with a preview of what she is going to do. If you blog and blog about your experience 4-5 times a week you will be entered into a drawing to win prizes! How fun is that!

I know many of you haven't tried the program, mostly because of the cost. Yes, it is expensive and worth every penny. And I understand not being able to spend the money on it. I was able to take the live class for free through the school system last year. Vicki isn't teaching the live class that way anymore. I was saving my money. I only have it now because it was given to me as a gift. Here is your opportunity to try the program for FREE!! All it is going to take from you is a little time and effort.

The show is on Monday nights at 9pm eastern time on momTV. If you watch live you will have the opportunity to chat with Vicki live. You can ask questions and she will give you answers. This part will not be recorded, but the teaching part will. This is so valuable and free!

Now that's a lot of work!

2009-12-28T12:03:00.001-05:00

I don't think these guys have flat screen televisions to entertain them. Can you say new reality tv show?

"Thriller" in Philippines @ Yahoo! Video

Teaching Compassion

2009-12-22T13:39:00.005-05:00

It's been a hard last couple of months for our family. Well, probably just for me since I'm a mom and need to hold it all together. I knew that having a baby was going to upset the cookie jar. That just seems obvious, it always has. That must be why I have cookie crumbs all over me right now...literally.

But I also added having my gallbladder out three weeks after Squeak was born; and the recovery, as I mentioned before, I thought it was going to be pretty easy. Yes, it would hurt but I gave birth to three babies naturally and have had a filling drilled without Novocaine, so I thought I could hack it. But that's not what happened. It took me a good three weeks to get to a point where I was doing less than half of what I could do before.

But I've been doing better and more. Thanksgiving was fun but tiring and I have had a chance to catch up on the sleep I missed back then. As each day goes by it seems I'm losing even more sleep trying to give myself alone time after the kids go to bed and Christmas shopping online. Webby went back to school in September, too.

Then a couple of weeks ago Webby called me to tell me he was at the hospital and hour away with severe abdominal pain. It has to be pretty bad for Webby to take such an action so I knew he had to be feeling pretty bad. He ended up having an unexplainable gallbladder infection (no stones) and having surgery.

I've been holding it together, just barely, until this morning. It dawned too early after a late night. It started with the girls yelling at each other. I started to cry and Webby was there to comfort me. He helped the girls get things moving and then he left, a little late, for work. I came downstairs still a bit emotional. I sat down at the computer to read my emails. Sweet Girl came over and stood next to me. She saw the tears still lingering in my eyes. She leaned in a gave me a big hug. And she just stood there and held me and I held her back. She squeezed a bit harder and then she was done. She let go and told me she loved me. When I dropped her off at school she said, "I love you more than you know. Have a good day."

In the past I have pushed back my emotions so the kids do see me cry. I've pushed them away when I've been on the verge of tears so I could deal with it alone. I was supposed to be stronger. But somehow today I realized that what I needed was love form those I love. And I accepted what was given by my child. And I realized that this was a teaching moment. And in that moment I taught her how to notice when someone needs them and to give what she could.

And even through all of this I have been blessed so abundantly. I have such good friends who are willing to watch my kids all day on short notice. Friends willing to drive me an hour away to get Webby's car and get to the hospital. Friends bringing me meals. Family coming to stay and help with meals and kids and the house. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who is here when I need him.

Have a Merry Christmas! Count the blessings you have been given this year!

Enjoy the pictures.

Santa Fun

2009-12-14T10:52:00.006-05:00

A friend of mine posted this and I just had to it pass along. I laughed so hard I cried! Enjoy the next 15 minutes!

Got it! This is by the comedian David Sadaris called "6-8 Black Men"

Update

2009-12-04T10:11:00.003-05:00

So here we are at the end of the year. It was 62 degrees yesterday! It reminds me of 3 years ago when we moved here. We had a very mild winter until February when it dumped 24 inches in 24 hours. I'd never seen that much snow in my life. It has been a wonderful last 3 years here in New England. Read my post about how we got here.

Squeak is doing really well. He's growing like a weed...a well fed weed. He grew 2 inches in a month! He is now 12lbs 11 oz and 25 inches tall! My how he has grown and changed! Here are more pictures of all of us.

The past few months have been good. We had a visit from Webby's parents at the end of October. We all had a great time and they got to go trick-or-treating with the girls.

Sweet Girl has proven herself a true outdoors man. She and Webby went for a hike up Reptile Mountain. She hiked all the way up with Webby and it only took them 15-20 minutes more than if Webby was going alone! She loved it and has decided that now she wants to hike a mountain much, much bigger. One that took me hours to hike and it was rough all the way up.

Sweet Girl and I played a little game that she made up the other day. It's called the Appreciation Game. Here is how you play. One person says, "I appreciate..." and then tells you what they appreciate about you. Then you say back, "I appreciate..." and then you tell them what you appreciate about them. Sometimes you get to take 2 turns in a row! How fun is that!!

The other day I was listen to my ipod. Sweet Girl asked if she could listen. I told her is was talking not music. She looked at me and, shaking her head and pointing, said, "Oh, it's Vicki on there." Later we were talking and she was talking about someone but couldn't remember the name. She was trying to figure out the name and said, "Who is it that you love? Oh, right Vicki!" Last night after we put the kids to bed a friend came over. Of course, I hear their bedroom door open and out pops both girls. Sweetie Heart asked who it was here. I told her and she said, "Oh, I've only heard Vicki's voice a couple of times, but I thought it was her." And Of course, Sweet Girl said, "I thought it was Vicki!" Seems like Vicki should just go ahead and move in, everyone just loves her!

Sweetie Heart is doing well in school. It's been hard for me to let go of her responsibilities at school. But I'm doing my best to allow for natural consequences. She's doing well. She came home the other day telling me a boy in her class finally admitted it. He L's her! and 2 other girls in her class. Heaven help me. She has had boys liking her since she was in kindergarten! she is continuing to pursue her art and has taken a few classes here at a local art studio.

So all is well with us. Hopefully I will post again before too long. But if not, Have a very merry Christmas!

Tip Tuesday

2009-11-20T11:32:00.002-05:00

Okay , I know it's not Tuesday. But I really wanted to post this because it could effect your whole holiday season. I just read this article. It said that canned pumpkin may be in short supply this year. Because of rain the pumpkins are rotting in the fields. Very sad. And, apparently, Nestle's sells almost all the canned pumpkin in the United States. Hmmm.

So get your pumpkin early. I personally love this pumpkin pie recipe! It is so good and great for those who can't have dairy. If you miss out on the pumpkin consider making a Sweet Potato Pie. I love them!

Music Scripture & Appreciation - Webby at the wheel

2009-11-19T22:01:00.008-05:00

If it's not too unruly, i would like to co-dedicate this song to our beloved Sarah. She brought me to a place where i could hear and understand such a song, from there i have grown to listen and appreciate. She strengthened me so that i could enjoy the good and praiseworthy, noble and virtuous, that which allows the Spirit to dance with my soul, and do so with honor. I listen to this music often, battling the apathetic and angry blaring on the construction site radios, and i contemplate and plan for the decisions i make along my way...leaving my legacy. She draws from the well of living water and shares what she is given as a teacher, a leader, a wife and mother; what a joy it is to be united eternally with such a companion! See Proverbs 31 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Indeed, her example and devotion to what is best, leads me to "Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest." There is another song by Nichole Nordeman that i can feel in my heart with pleasure (and sing along - when i'm working alone), because i too remember to call Him by name; and thus i am part of Sarah's legacy.

Indeed, we are never alone. Let us remember, and leave a legacy worthy as children of God.

Dedication

2009-11-18T14:40:00.002-05:00

I've never really made a song dedication. At least not publicly. There is a first time for everything. I'm dedicating this song to my parenting educator and best friend Vicki Hoefle. When I first heard this song it made me think. What is the legacy that I am leaving to my children. It has made me really look hard at who I am and how I treat my child. On goods days it reminds me to act different.

So to has Vicki. The things that she has taught me has made a profound difference in my life. She is real. She is raw. What I love best about her is that she is snarky. When I listen to her, I know she has battle scars. She is in the trenches with me. Everyday. She just makes it look easy because she's been doing it longer.

So Vicki here's to you!

Stone Soup

2009-10-29T16:16:00.003-04:00

::This post was written on Thursday, but Sweetie Heart really was sick. She was down for the count all day on Friday. That's why this didn't get posted until today. Everyone is well now, thankfully!

Yesterday, Sweet Girl was running a fever. It just kept getting higher and higher. She slept most of the day on the couch only waking long enough to eat a few bits of toast and a few sips of water, Emergen-C, and B.R.A.T. milk. Her fever peaked out last night at 102. But her fever broke in the night.

Yesterday morning I took Sweetie Heart's temperature before sending her to school. She was fine. I gave her some olive leaf extract, and colloidal silver just to be safe. Everyone slept great last night. Sweetie Heart had a little cough, but nothing to worry about. I dropped her off at school this morning at 8. At 9:33 the phone rang. You know where this is going don't you. It was the school nurse calling to say Sweetie Heart had a low fever. Of course she does, I didn't check her temperature before sending her to school this morning.

She came home and climbed into bed. She read for a bit and then laid down and fell asleep. She slept for a little and woke up. I heard her crying and asked her what was wrong. Her class was reading Stone Soup at school today and making stone soup tomorrow. Because of her fever today she can't go back to school for 24 hours after the fever breaks. No school for her tomorrow. That means she will miss the stone soup.

Super Mom springs into action! I tell her we can make stone soup for dinner tonight. I was planning to make soup anyway since there are people sick here. Now I didn't have to figure out what kind to make. Immediately, her spirits rose and she sprung into action. She wanted to help make the soup. Even though she still has a fever she's not acting like it. Since she was helping Sweet Girl wanted to help, too. Of course, there is plenty to do to make the soup. Mostly I pulled things out of the fridge and freezer, put the broth in the pot and I got to chop the celery. The kids did the rest.

Here are some pictures.

Good Information

2009-10-26T21:50:00.004-04:00

This past week we had a 4 day weekend. I decided to use the time to get a little information from my kids. Sweetie Heart has been asking if she can set her own bedtime. I have told her there are certain things she needs to be able to do before she can. A few of those things are : getting herself up on her own, being ready to leave the house on time, going to bed when she's tired. Pretty basic stuff. She hasn't been able to get herself up yet, but she has been getting ready on time.

This weekend I decided to see if she could go to bed when she was tired. So during family meeting I told both girls that there wouldn't be a bed time on Thursday or Friday. The look of delight was beautiful. There were many promises of getting along and going to bed at a reasonable time.

BUT...here's how it played out.

Thursday night we read scriptures and had family prayer at 6:30, which is when we usually do it. Then we let go. The girls got ready for bed and then came back downstairs and played. And played. And played. Sweet Girl sat with Webby for a bit while he studied. Sweetie Heart read a book. Sweet Girl got out toys to play with. Sweetie Heart came downstairs to see what everyone else was doing and to make mischief with her sister.

At 10pm, Sweetie Heart said, "I'm going to bed."
Sweet Girl said, "Not me!!"
Webby and I both said, "Me too."
So Sweet Girl said, "Oh, all right. I guess I will too."

When I went up to tuck them in Sweetie Heart said to me, "I stayed up too late. But it's really hard to go to bed when Sweet Girl is still up." Very good information! Sweet Girl probably would have stayed up until she fell asleep where ever she was, in the middle of playing. Now I know that neither of the girls are really ready to pick her own bedtime for now. I didn't really think they were ready, but as you can see from previous posts, I have been wrong before. So now I have good information. For Sweetie Heart equality and what others are doing is more important then what she feels she needs. Sweet Girl just wants to go and go. But she doesn't want to be by herself when she does it. It was clear to me that both girls were tired by 8:30 or 9. But when given the freedom to choose, for the first time, they pushed themselves a bit too far. But I was true to my word. I let them stay up the next night as well. They stayed up with us until we went to bed at 10pm again.

What I learned was they are not ready to set their own bedtimes. They aren't will to listen to listen to the signals their bodies are making telling them they are tired...yet. So during the next break I will give them a extended bedtime instead. We will try it out again another time.

When I sit back and observe my kids, they will give me all the information I need. They know better what they are capable of then I do. They want to stretch themselves and learn new things. It's my job to say yes, to observe and to guide as needed. When I do this I am amazed at how capable they are. Sweet Girl peeled and cut up a carrot using a sharp knife today, simply because I said yes. Sweet Girl made a wacky cake from scratch for dessert tonight, because I said yes. I have to do a lot of back tracking right now. I'm very used to saying no, there isn't enough time, blah, blah, blah. What I'm thinking is, I don't have the patience to help, teach. Whatever, that's my problem not hers. Is it any wonder that when I ask her to help me she doesn't want to do it? So, often I am saying no and then turning around and saying yes. No is easy to say, yes is a lot harder. But, you know what? Yes is so worth it!!

Family Pictures

2009-10-23T13:01:00.001-04:00

More pictures for all our fans.

Well, There Goes That Theory

2009-10-22T20:59:00.003-04:00

So I have had this idea in my mind that my kids cannot get things done on there own. Not only that but if they weren't doing it the way I would do it and in the time frame that I thought was reasonable they were going to fail.

I've been schooled! OR is it skooled?

Here's what happened. In Vicki Hoefle's Parenting on Track program (you didn't actually think I wasn't going to mention her did you?) one of the first thing she encourages from the parents is: do nothing and say nothing. For a week you well...do nothing and say nothing to you kids. The practice gives you good information about what your kids can or are willing to do.

Now I've been "doing" the program for awhile. But it's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut! I just nag and badger, get frustrated and make everyone feel bad. Then I blame it on my kids that we are having a "bad" morning. And really it is my fault. So I decided that it was time to take the plunge. No Talking for me in the morning! And that is no small feat for me.

Here's what I wrote to Vicki on her Parenting on Track blog:

I wanted to share with you the experience I had this morning. It started with the alarm going off. My daughter (7) doesn’t really wake up to her alarm. So I went in to open the blinds and to tell her it was time to wake up. She had a really hard time getting up this morning. She was really tired. So I made sure she was awake enough, told her I was not going to wake her again.

I decided that today I was going to everything I could not to badger and nag her like I do most mornings. I got in the shower, got out, got ready myself, and went down stairs. She was still in bed and it was 7:15. Now that it is cold and dark in the morning she doesn’t want to get out of bed and complains about being cold. I understand that. But we have to walk out the door for school by 7:50 to get to school in time. I pressed my lips together and did what I needed to do to be ready in time.

She slowly came downstairs at almost 7:30. Argh… I almost opened my mouth, but didn’t. She wanted to talk and she doesn’t seem to be able to do that and anything else at the same time. I did tell her she could keep talking but she needed to do other things at the same time.

I continued to do what I needed to do, she kept doing what she needed to do. She came up to brush her teeth as I was getting the baby dressed. She was Brushing her teeth as I was walking down to get ready to get in the car. I was waking out the door to put the other 2 in the car as she was loading her backpack and getting her shoes on. Normally, I would be “encouraging” (read nagging) her to get moving. But I didn’t, I just kept moving. Normally, when I nag, she gets upset and begins to get negative and upset. Today she just stayed focused and got the job done. I decided I would just get in the car and wait for her to be there. She got in the car and we were ready to go at 7:51. I can’t believe it. She short changed herself so many minutes and she was still ready on time!! When I dropped her off she said, “Oh, no snack today. I forgot to pack one.” Just matter of factly, no tantrum. When the mood is already darkened, by me, she fusses and cries about things like that.

So a quick run down. Me+ no nagging+ patience= happy, un-pressured daughter who is ready in time!

This is what I have wanted morning to be like. I was always so worried about her not getting to eat, going unprepared, forgetting things, not brushing her teeth. In the end none of that matters. Like you always say, it’s the relationship that matters most. When I choose not to fight or badger or nag; I am choosing the relationship. She was in charge of herself this morning and everything worked out better than when I get involved! As I just step out of the way things work out the way I wanted them to all along!

I did ask her what time it was a couple of times. BUT both times I really couldn't see a clock. I do admit that I did do it partly to get her to be aware of the time, but it was for me as much as for her. Usually I remind her to keep track of her time. This worked much better.

Thank you again for sharing the skills with me!

Here was Vicki's response:

Hallelujah Sista.

Gosh, it takes so much courage for parents to step out of the way. And look what happens. Congratulations. Now, be prepared for some slipping backwards and do not pay any attention to it.

Now that you know she CAN, set that image in your mind and do not, under any circumstances, let it go. Keep it. Keep seeing this capable child repeating this exercise in independence until that is who she becomes.

Oh the joy of parenthood. Thank you so much for sharing.

I've also let her go to school without her homework folder, haven't nagged her about doing her homework (which she didn't do at all for a week), didn't "encourage" her to study for her spelling test, haven't "reminded" her to pack her lunch or backpack.

It's not easy. Today was not pretty. Well, it wasn't that bad, but I did start to nag a bit. It's hard not to when they go through the house like a cyclone and don't seem to see the mess they are making let alone pick it up. It's not easy to watch them dink around when I know they want to get up to the library for story time. They ask if they can go but don't do what needs done so we can get there on time.

Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I get tired. But at the end of the day I know that this way is better. It makes my family happier. And I choose the relationship with my kids over the stuff in our lives. They will get it, it's just baby steps for all of us!

Squeal!!!

2009-10-22T20:41:00.003-04:00

Yes, that was a squeal you heard! My BFF Vicki Hoefle came to my house yesterday!!

I stayed up extra late cleaning my house. And I got up extra early to make 2 different kinds of muffins. All about putting on a good show. Not really, I'd clean my house and make muffins for any of you if you'd come for a visit. I promise! But I do like to try to impress just a little. But let's face it, I have small children AND I live in an apartment. So even though I cleaned it was still a bit cluttered. But I don't think she cared much. Did you Vicki?

It was a great morning! We spent it getting to know each other better. You know, all of the history stuff...where are you from, what brought you here, yada, yada, yada. We talked about our kids and life. It was wonderful. Sweet Girl was a bit stand offish. Not a real big surprise. She gets like that around new people. Once she gets to know Vicki a bit better all bets will be off. And the real Sweet Girl will appear! Squeak was as cute as he always is. He's just the sweetest little boy. He slept, and she watched him. He slept some more and she picked him up. Then he started...well squeaking and groaning like he does. She just drank him in. We all do!

Have You Been Watching?

2009-10-14T09:27:00.003-04:00

Well, I hope so. Because Vicki, at Parenting on Track, is giving you the opportunity to take her class for free! And that is awesome! All you have to do is tune in live (if you want to be able to ask questions) or log in whenever it's convenient for you and watch on MomTV. It easy and it's free! So tune in on Monday nights at 9pm...or whenever you want.

Don't worry if you haven't seen any of the classes yet. You can log in now and watch all of the classes she's done thus far. I've been watching and they are a great refresher. Go there now...or when you have a few minutes!

2009-10-12T13:08:00.004-04:00

I found this in some stuff of my grandma's. It was clipped from a newspaper back in 1970. It's still, if not more, applicable today. I've been wanting to share it for awhile now.

I haven't always agreed with this. If I had read it 15 years ago, I would have scoffed at it, mocked it, maybe even been offended by it. Now I am ready to embrace it. I feel it to be so true.

Open Letter to Woman

I AM man.

I WANT you to be what you ought to be, a personification of:
GENTLENESS
UNDERSTANDING
RECEPTIVITY
LOYALTY
And LOVE

BUT…while you ask me to regard you as more than a mere sexual object, DO NOT prohibit my doing so by distorting your womanhood.

DO NOT be random in giving the treasure of physical intimacies and then expect me to value you more than you value yourself.

DO NOT, especially when we are with others, abandon that modesty which indwells your nature, for I depend upon you to be my touchstone of moderation.

DO NOT use crude speech, and mock my efforts to make my words to you respectful.

DO NOT applaud the public vulgarities of those who, in the name of artistic expression, disclose their contempt for women and depict you as a slattern.

DO NOT be fooled by the exploiters who would convince you that femininity is a weakness and virtue is retardation.

YOU are strongest when you are most feminine.

YOU progress when you embrace virtue.

REMEMBER that I will accept you at your own evaluation of yourself.

AND IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT THE SUBLIME BEAUTY OF YOUR WOMANHOOD, YOU CANNOT ASK ME TO.

I WILL spend much of my life in concern for your welfare.

I WILL want to provide for you, to protect you, to accept your love and to give you mine, for it is only by uniting with you and doing all these things that my life becomes truly meaningful.

SO, uphold my image of woman, that I may more easily be the man you want me to be!

~written 8 March 1970

The Catch

2009-10-07T19:17:00.004-04:00

Have you ever been looking at your children and just get this little catch in your throat? Almost like a hiccup but you know that if it went unrestrained you could be shedding tears of happiness.

That little catch usually takes me by surprise.

::It happens when I pick up Squeak and look down at his precious face. He's so new and so sweet and fresh from heaven. Oh, the things he could teach me!

::It's in listening to Sweet Girl making up songs and sing to everyone and no one.

::It's in catching a glimpse of Sweetie Heart out of the corner of my eye, and for the briefest of seconds seeing her as a teenager, growing faster than I can imagine.

::It's in watching my kids step out of the bathtub and noticing how long their legs and how big their feet are.

::It's in the smell of sleep in my girls room and the sleepy, "I love you" in my ear.

::It's in the hugs and kisses that are freely given at any time.

This mom thing is hard. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through the end of the day. But I am given the little catches to remind me how very blessed I am!

2009-10-01T16:33:00.001-04:00